Sunday, November 17, 2013
(Applies a generous amount to my own bum.)
My bottom is on fire. Like the worst paddling times ten? Happy it worked so effective, embarrassed this was my excitement for the day, and curious.
Due to my short attention span, I managed to scratch my nose, eye, and ahem private area while not knowing I still had cream on. That...was not cool.
That night I admitted my adventure to my hubby, who was curious and alarmed at my activities of the day. He was concerned with the burning lotion spreading around on sheets, etc.
That being said, I am sure he will find some use for it, someday. After all, isn't that way holiday drama is all about?:)
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Yargh. Where have I been? My apologies. I've been fine, scatterbrained, and tired.:) The pregnancy is going really swell except for heartburn, holy heartburn. Some charlie horses.(Wow, does that feel like the ultimate punishment.) In the grand scheme of things, it's all grand and I'm very thankful. If anyone was worried, all is okay.:) Sorry.
So where have I been? Well, reading my kindle in my spare time but trying to keep on trucking each day with getting stuff done. I see the squirrels outside and they remind me not to put things off until the last moment. At least, that's what I think they are doing.:)
November will be one year since I even heard of the term domestic discipline, which I credit towards changing my priorities. Seriously, I look at how many things I distracted myself with ahead of my family, and I realize now how I didn't need those things.
My main things lately has been overriding hubby on what he asks our family to do, I'm the spoiler with the weak will in the family. I have spent a bit too much on random grocery trips. I realize most of my marriage whoops happen when I'm tired and just wanna call it a day. I'm working on it.
We are squeezing in date nights and adult conversations as time permits. I'm avoiding letting myself go into wearing xxl mens shirts as I did with my first pregnancy. That's about it for now. So be assured, if I don't post I'm probably snoozing soundly on a pillow....I have not vanished into cyberspace.:)
Looking forward to hearing from my buddies if I am still on your reading list.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Does it change our dynamics? Yes. I have to put myself in a positive mindset and it takes more effort to be motivated. Plus, I am not feeling normal sexy right now. *Something about passing out at 10 pm and all the body changes does that.*
However, this pregnancy seems much more romantic and at ease. Less of a need to spend a huge amount of time preparing, and more go with the flow.
I'm in the early part of my second trimester. I have to say, my heart goes out to everyone I know who have fertility and pregnancy obstacles. Seriously. My one friend is trying to finalize an adoption from Russia, which should have been finished right before all the chaos went down on banning adoptions. They just want their baby.
So this post is dedicated to anyone who has faced obstacles in pregnancy, fertility, and the like. My hats off to you and I give you hugs and love. *HUGGGGG right here* *Extra squeeze*
I have to credit the work we have done in the last several months on our marriage that allowed another pregnancy to happen. We really needed to get on the same page and have a mutual vision. There is a higher amount of respect and devotion we have to each other, it's more intentional and focused.
Of course, I would not describe myself as focused right at the moment!:) Time to finish that pile of laundry and vacuum the floor. May I need to make myself a chore list ....
Sunday, July 7, 2013
You know when you just have a feeling something is off with a situation? I guess that sums up my Mom in Laws visit. There was me needing to behave, not getting my nerves up. When MIL is happy, all is great. However, she can pack an intimidating punch when things go South.
Despite our best efforts, things did go south. Apparently, she is having major boyfriend drama and it is pulling her into a tizzy. She shut down completely while here, not speaking and not participating. Of course, as the daughter in law it made me feel like she hated me. I had to remind myself this was just her way of processing things.
She just went home. I have a monster headache from picking up on all the tension one could slice with a knife. Holding all that stress created exhaustion in me. I snapped at HOH a few times. I mean, having someone stay with you who will not even utter a word makes me cringe.
Now to take care of this aftermath headache and make it up to HOH. At least it's over.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
So I was a little grouchy this morning....err major grouchy. I let my stressed side show and HOH warned me that I'm already on final warning. Guess I needed to lose my marbles before company comes over. The fireworks show before the fireworks. Yargh.
Time to make some finishing touches before company comes over. I have already been put on notice not to play on my phone too much when company is over. I try not to. Better keep it away as much as possible!
Now to hide anything that screams embarrassing.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
So this submission thing works grand when I'm not feeling my own inner wheels turning. Just found out I will have my HOH's family staying with us for four days starting tomorrow. Ermagerd.
I like them, love em. Guess my major stickler is I'm kinda the chick that needs moments of privacy. Plus, I feel the pressure of having everything right falls on my shoulders. And I am so imperfect.
So, dropped several hints I will need something tonight to help sooth me for the next four days. Take it easy, Mixie, it's a good thing. I kinda agreed to this thing to make HOH and his family happy, not that I felt good and ready.
Even still, I find myself with a fresh copy of Southern Living plopped on the table in an attempt to seem more domestically inclined than I am. I wonder if other women buy these magazines for that same effect of I have plans to rock this house. Really, I swear I do.
Can I admit something on here? I think I'm a tad lazy. Or distracted. I keep up with the house but would not consider myself an A lister, more like a diamond in the rough. I grew up in a....challenged home with gas station goodies for dinner. This whole thing has been a challenge to learn all by myself. Wow, first world problems.
I have been working on my first spanking romance I hope to release on kindle when it's ready to birth. Not a story of true domestic discipline, elements of it. Being a romance it plays with the concepts rather than marries them. Also, I have read the majority of domestic discipline romances on kindle that are not deemed God awful by reviewers, and I'm kind of getting bored searching for fresh material, so I find myself writing this story.
I find myself just wanting to work on the story, being pulled back into real life as need be. There is a point in writing fiction where the characters become real, you want to keep writing until the whole thing is finished.
I have written before, three almost finished novels. One was Christian based, and while good, I think I tried too hard to stay in the concepts of what would be appropriate for Christian fiction, another is a supernatural thriller and parts got so intense I shelved it, another read as a Nora Roberts attempt.
My biggest hurdle with writing is creating true problems for my characters in novels. I want so bad for their love to blossom, I find it hard to give them real obstacles. Hence, it will need me to stretch myself. I am proud that I'm finally writing again, which was my hope for our new home. To write for the sheer love of doing so, that's my intent.
May you find something that births your passion. It does not need to render money or fame, but something to flicker your soul. :)
Wish me luck to stay grounded the next 4 days!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Since moving, my mind has been churning to continue the dynamic of our relationship roles. My HOH is not the most naturally of dominating of a guy, but there is security in his leadership and my submission. A feeling that I don't have to figure everything out. On a basic level, he is the more calm person in the relationship, so I trust his diplomatic leadership. It is all very balanced and mild, basically the quest to be on the same page. I admit our communication has really changed, less walls between us.
I'm melting into this new home, eager to put my best foot forward to lighten up and enjoy the simple pleasures of day to day life. To be thankful to snuggle, to eat meals together, to *enjoy* cleaning-to give myself patience to enjoy the present.
It's all about releasing for me, releasing and allowing.
Gotta go, I have been called to the dinner table! Oye!:)
Friday, June 21, 2013
Can I welcome myself back to my own blog? Hee.
I am posting via cell phone as I usually post on my laptop, but have not turned the thing on in a long time.
Big news has been a flutter in our home, lots of change going on. I have been trying to discard anything that makes me unhappy from my possessions. I realize, for whatever reason, I have been the dumping ground or giving ground for many folks discarded items. Not to mention enough stuff from my past on Mother, who suffered from hoarding. I realize carrying too many things leads me to feeling stressed and feeling the guilt of the stories of some items. I am thankful for what I have, but trying to lighten the load.
My husband and I have been great. Still practicing domestic discipline. My biggest challenges are those slight moody moments and getting behind in the house. The moods usually come from (stress duh) but also bottled up feelings about the past.
In going thru old journals of mine, I have realized how....I have never allowed myself to be as happy as I could be. When Mom was alive, I carried the emotional weight. When she died, I carried the guilt for her for some time. Spiritually, I think she is no longer bound to the rules of this world, our society. She died with unfinished business to the world, but it is finished. This thought has freed me so much differently then my family, who holds this idea that she is still frozen in the last years of her life. All the usual well meaning death cliches that somehow comfort and bruise at the same time.
After beginning domestic discipline with my husband, I have found myself much more solid in his arms. It reminds me to stay present in the now of our relationship. I think we have much more active respect for each other, as well as a tearing down of the emotional walls.
I would be the chatty one in the relationship, but even the chatty ones can have the biggest walls inside. Think about it. Do we talk for comfort? For sheer need to control the direction of our lives?
I ripped up the journals and threw them away. It's not stuff I imagine my kids wanting to know someday. Being that I have handled my Mom's things, I am more sensitive now to eventually over burden them with stuff. Anyone who has been on this path knows how the tiniest thing becomes a emotional debate to part with, every piece of costume jewelry and note.
The last couple nights my dreams have worked out the feelings I have about my extended family. In each one, there is a reference to them gossiping about me. Do you ever have a dream that wakes up in a mood? I have had to apologize to my hubby for waking up in moods after those dreams. He reminds me that if I think I am overpowered for the day in the morning, I will feel that way all day.
As synchronicity has it, Lady Gaga 's Marry the Night is playing in the background. If you have never watched her entire video for it, it describes self empowerment perfectly. All about dusting off your boots and trying again...as we all do each day.:)
I have craved a spanking after such a time of self reflection, somehow...it helps me process it all.
Monday, May 20, 2013
It's been pretty nice.
Listened to the first half of Clint and Chelsea's new podcast from www.learningdd.com. Can I just say how excited I am that they are podcasting? Seriously. What a treat!
I will leave you with some Monday Funnies.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Other things I do for grounding myself:
-deep cleaning and clutter release
-tackling one small project
-a nice bath(I love sea salt)
-leaning on a tree, hanging out in nature,
-writing my thoughts in a private journal
-doing something to LAUGH
-paying attention to nature cues
-lighting a candle/prayer
-wearing a color that feels cozy to me, or my favorite jacket.
-connecting with my husband, or calling a good friend/family member to joke around with
-passion is good
-food is good. Something healthy and wholesome will really help.
-helping someone out, reaching out to others.
-time with pets
Things that get me off balance
-spending time worrying or embracing fears (major duh)
-letting my mind become too cluttered
-letting my space become too cluttered
-too much caffeine
-putting myself on the "back burner" habitually
-first world problem: too much time devoted to news or social media.
-now getting quiet time
-taking on too many tasks.
-being in people pleasing mode
I am SURE we all can identify to much on this list. What do you do to get back to peaceful mode? I generally TRY to be in a content mood before making any big choices. I think we must work on keeping balanced especially in stressful times.:)
I forgot the most important one that helps everyday: being thankful.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The other side of that new self empowerment is swinging the balance onto rebel territory. It's that feeling of being so empowered I rely so much on myself and as a result, have been a tad rebellious towards my dear husband.
As I am finding my new balance, he reminds me to trust in him and not get into the habit of trying to do everything myself. Last night I got a discipline session to remember the balance of trusting each other. We decided he would lead the family, and again, I try to take the wheel. That I not try to control everything. *What can be controlled anyway?*
Finding balance as we evolve. Remembering that this is a Unity thing and not a solo act.
I have to give thanks for the other awesome domestic discipline and TTWD blogs I read. They help inspire me even in my most rebellious moments. I remember the reason we began is to be on the same page in our marriage, with no division.
Thank you bloggy friends!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I have come to realize that one of my life's lessons is:
For each person in my family or life that walked out, it gave me abandonment issues. It made me walk on eggshells to keep the current folks, and pine for the old ones that are not speaking with me. I realize now I must love who is here and give myself permission to not need everyone's approval.
Somehow in my life, I got this habit of needing to be right with everyone possible to feel right. I have realized that "Normal" is just an viewpoint. What is Normal to someone in the West might be crazy to someone in the far East.
More later, HOH is calling us to the table.:)
I am getting happier by the day letting go of some of these rules I have created for myself regarding my relationships with people.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I have not been feeling very submissive lately. In fact, I have been rolling with my feelings. I realize I feel everything, it's hard for me NOT to put my feelings into decision making.
I guess the really confusing part is being presented with things that I am pretty certain I was led to not do anymore. Things related around my little career path. Everyday two or three things are coming up to nudge me back. Am I gonna go around the same mountain again?
A fork in the road. There is no clear "yes" or "no" that I sensing. Maybe I just need to have a heart to heart with my HOH how very confusing this is.
Hmm, okay: fresh thought. If I am honest with myself, I have felt isolated from Father God and my HOH while these opportunities have come back to the surface. The opportunity so clearly seems brimming with networking opportunities and having that zing purpose...at least on the outside. Yet I walked away from it for a reason, and the reason was-I felt isolated from God and my HOH while I did it.
Do I do what seems easy and brimming with encouragement? Do I be patient and remember I was being led to something else?
Everyday, I need to have peace with my faith relationship and my marriage. Everything else will work itself out.
Ahhh, the walk of faith and belief can be so confusing sometimes. Course, I must make it much harder than it has to be with my thinking.
Time for honest chats with HOH and prayer. Time to not move forward until there is peace in this situation. Tempting fruit from the same old vine!
It's not about the talent/gift/skill. It's about the content. That is what makes all the difference. I process things when I write, so this post seems all over the place-this is why!:)
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Recently, a very close friend of mine in my "inner circle" confessed to me how upset she is at her husband. Long story short, they are a young couple who are both business professionals with young kids and not a ton of time to think.
She feels neglected. She asks for help and then yells for it. He blanks and forgets, always with work dancing in his mind. She feels like there is no true intimacy or communication in their marriage.
That is the danger zone.
I have been there when my own marriage was just superficial communication of the day to day, never getting to the heart of the matter. I admit, those were mostly my own walls and distractions. I tried to give her advice to get the ball rolling. Course, it's really hard to figure out to how to get inside a man's mind when you are not a guy yourself.
My HOH suggested that she needed to make an emotional plea of what she needed, to sit down without distractions. I suggested he needs visual reminders of what she needs on the action level. (Sometimes verbal requests are quickly drowned out.)
After about 20 texts messages, I did throw out a sassy" You should just spank him." Inner joke. However, my dear friends are just experiencing the demands of suburban life and needing to see the battle plan of how to make life work.
I am not perfect by any means. I can only say where setting my priorities straight and staying accountable have helped us, and it's always a work in progress. Where there is little communication in the marriage, I can only think of one thing. What would Barney Fife say?
"Nip it in the Bud!"
I will keep thinking of the right advice for her. Any others have suggestions?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
This morning I woke up a little YARGH. Last night, we got to bed very late and there was no time to talk to my HOH or do anything. *Nothing like falling asleep on the couch with something on my mind.* So this morning I woke up a little tired and gave it the old Saturday grumpy show.
So I got some stress relief/adjustment in the closet, until my attitude and emotions relaxed. My hubby and lil girl are busy napping, so I wrote this with my cat next to me. Want to wake them up soon so we can do something fun today!
I will leave you with a light hearted funny.:)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
This week I can truly feel my husband carrying me when I feel faint in my spirit, soul, and body. I can't quite put my finger on it. I need a second wind, an encouragement, a new fire of courage. It is a new thing to be faithful when my emotions keep pressing me to be a meek little daisy in the corner.
This morning, I feel like a woman in labor. That point in transition, when she is about to give up, all her energy and spirit is spent. She holds on (maybe begging to be put out of her agony) before the final second wind of action comes upon her, birthing her child. It is a this point where she needs encouragement the most, when all hell is breaking loose for her. The husband tries to minister to her, as do her helpers to just hang on there...one more minute...hold on.
I know in my spirit that this must mean something good is about to happen, the tide is about to turn, it will get better. One more day, Mixie. God gives us grace for one day at a time. What has crushed my spirit so?
I realize my heart is yearning for my Grandma to acknowledge me and love me. It seems so unfair to be cast aside by her. As the Easter season approaches, I put my heart out again...and the small expectation of my heart that maybe this time she will return the love makes me feel faint. I find myself wondering if her church services are ministering to her heart, is God softening her heart, do I need to do this all myself? I guess I am giving her the upper hand.
I need to remind myself that God loves me, my husband loves me, and I have enough people to bless and have fellowship each day. Even if she never looks at me again, God loves me. I can't look for love in her, the meaning and validation of myself. I guess this was the lesson of my Mom. I guess I need to remember, that maybe her heart is too broken and hardened to reach out one more time. There is a feeling in me that says" Do not punish me for the sins of my Mother! Do not make me her scapegoat."
Ha. I have to laugh as I am getting misty eyed. I am listening to a preacher talk about" If your family had not walked out, God could not walk in." Ahh, I needed that.
"Suffering...sacrifice and struggle...."
My husband is standing firm in understanding this moment of pain for me. It's an inner pain of the heart that cannot be easily soothed by a coffee or trip to Target. (Believe me, I have tried to cheer myself up with the usual mood boosters.) How many husbands understand how hard it is to understand your wife when there is something on her mind, holding her back?
Here is what my husband is doing for me:
Reminding me of the truth that I am loved and adored.
Not letting me backslide on all the work I have done( like running to go smoke a cigarette)
Keeping me accountable (not letting me run around with a bad attitude and wasting the day in self pity. He still expects me to keep rising up.)
Reminding me to have fun and create, to plant wonderful things even when my emotions are attempting to stop me.
Reminding me to bless others and minister to my friends and community. Major Duh! If I want to be encouraged, I need to encourage!
My husband also fasted from food the other day...to pray for me. I was astonished and it felt so wonderful that he was willing to reach out his hand to help me in this way. He is fasting today as well to prepare for Easter. There is something about his sacrifice that encourages me to get back on it, to keep moving forward.
Thriving married life must be two partners encouraging each other in love each day, in unity. When we are in unity, with a shared vision, this is where the mountains can move. Sometimes a spouse can get stuck inside their mind and need encouragement to stay the course. I am so thankful my husband keeps pressing me forward. He never focuses on how much I still need to improve, he helps me look at the progress I am making. At the end of the day, he reminds me that I am loved, no matter if I do anything more in my life or not.
Until recently, I looked for my purpose in the external things. I needed validation from others to feel permission to live. I guess my Grandma is one of those folks I still yearn for validation from, but I need to remember- I am loved. It's not time to lean on the past, it's not time to lean on those who refuse to come, it's time to lean on who is here with me. Thank you, Husband, for giving me strength when I feel faint. Thank you for not giving up on me when I am not the funnest wife to be around.
Whew, this has made me feel better. Now to work on getting out of my own mind and focusing on things not so close to my brain. Sometimes we need our viewpoint shifted, and I think I need a paradigm shift in this case.
At least Madea will always be my honorary Grandma.:)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I will not test until I am late, whenever that happens. I will relax and just enjoy this time before the next chapter really begins.
It's so different having a "planned" pregnancy, I mean, my lil one now was a SURPRISE. Not like"haha surprise" but like "Holy Cow, this just got real-SURPRISE!"
My best friend and I were discussing the change between her first baby and her second. The first one, she was kind of in denial and just hung in there, producing a meaty, strong lil guy. The second was planned, worried about, and she did everything in her power to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was filled with medical emergencies before and after for several months. I find myself already worrying about the next kiddo. My first was so strong, I have joked she would have stopped at nothing to be here.
Time for a zen attitude!:)
Last night I rolled around in an electric state of non-sleep. My diet has changed so late night caffeine has been triggering me. I woke up with a tense mood, emotional and feeling stressed. I communicated this to my HOH without giving a big show, and he promptly gave me the time I needed. Ha, how many husbands go into work late because their brides need emergency maintenance?
I realized later today that is my hidden expectations and fears that came into that wave of Wednesday emotions. Almost one year since Mom died. Grandma doesn't contact me, although I wrote her another heartfelt Easter letter. Not to mention HOH and I are letting God and nature take it's course with having another baby. Ha, I realize very little of this is in my control. How I manage what happens(my reactions) in each of these relationships does.
I find creating something helps me not worry so much about things, I need to create more, work on a project just for fun. I played Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun for my daughter today and realized I just haven't been a sassy as I once was. Maybe I haven't given myself the opportunity to enjoy life and express it. I think I've always scored as a "need to create to feel fulfilled" personality.
Hmm, the somberness of last year, the focus on living with more wisdom and maturity the last few months, maybe I just need to spend time with my Dad and get that genetic wit flowing again. Hmm, maybe I will begin to write again.
My former screenwriting teacher used to say "Not for Nothing," I think I am finally grasping this whole year has been a lesson in what "Not for Nothing" might mean for me.
The Past 12 Months:
-had a parent pass with a ton of emotional baggage to clean up and sort, and every level and every relationship
-worked on 3 different podcasts, including my own
-had to find a backbone which I possibly never used before
-walked away from a whole little career because I didn't feel God wanted me in it, as least not what I was doing
-began domestic discipline and became so close with my hubby like never before
-In November told God that whatever I needed to leave behind for the sake of my relationship with Him and my marriage, I would honor.
-stopped smoking since having it be a stronghold for years( I realized this was a crutch for me to sooth myself and a spiritual struggle)
-was "blacklisted" by my family for their feelings regarding my Mom's passing, despite my pleading for love. I always tried to be the good, mild mannered family member. My Mom would scream at all of them. When she passed, there was so much emotion no one knew where to put anything. I realize my Grandma's rejection of me feels an awful lot like my Mother's rejection of me in childhood.
-realized my people pleasing attitude truly doesn't solve many issues and creates much more. In the beginning of DD, we spent the first few months working on this.
Ha! No wonder I haven't felt very light! Lots of deep searching. Seriously, the last 12 months have been the most bittersweet, and the most joyful and meaningful. All this growth is not something I would have ever asked for, but something I needed, in some way.
I guess the all these experiences were truly Not For Nothing!:)
My life has done a 180 in the same body. Everything is looking up. I have faith all will work out with Grandma, her heart will soften to me eventually. No one was the enemy here. I will just keep doing the best I can each day, and see what comes of it.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Fear does not care if you are rich or poor, beautiful, or any gift you may have. What can you do when you are frozen in submission to fearful thoughts?
I have been trying this new thing to me called Faith. I tried Faith before but I never knew how important is was to let of go of fear while learning to operate in faith. It does not mean a smooth ride, it is not blind luck at the gambling table, but it is strength that it is all going to work out someway, somehow.
I realized as Father God loves us, and my husband loves me, how can I receive his love fully when I nurse myself with fear? Fear has this strange way of making one feel like "everything will be okay if you cling to this and soothe yourself, if you try to control your life in this manner." Many say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is fear based and a need for control. How many closet OCD folks do we have here who can testify.:)
I am not the stereotype of the obsessively cleaning OCD (bet Hubby would love that!) I deal with what I call, spiritual ocd. That is where little glitch thoughts can disrupt my mind and joy, I believe they would term it as racing thoughts. I finally confessed it to my BFF awhile back and she admitted she has these too! Hers are different racing thoughts. We noticed if we were under stress, or had emotions that would not release-it would "flair up." It was great to know I was not alone in this, that many people have their minds attacked by fear and having trouble focusing on peace from time to time.
I guess the short story would be: my childhood was filled with fear and darkness. Something bad always happened, always at random times. I trained myself to be alert and always expect it to happen. There was no safety net. Now, I live a new life with the old training in my emotional scale, to learn to release and have joy has taken time.
Recently during intimate time with my HOH I realized I have trouble relaxing and just enjoying, not micromanaging or worrying about the outcome on my part. There is a wall there. The next day, I tried during my prayer time to just surrender to God and wait to see what comes up. Do you know the trouble I had surrendering?
I did an experiment leaning against a tree. I was practicing relaxing against the tree and just surrendering to the moment. If I had to guess, 40 percent of me was giving and 60 percent of me was still tense and had an agenda.
During our last maintenance session, my HOH encouraged me to release and let go of pent up emotions. He was so encouraging. This has given me something to meditate on. I trust Father God, I trust my Hubby...do I not trust myself? Is that the barrier?
Or am I trying to micromanage my curiosity for surrendering to love, too? Ha!
I did notice the blog posted last month of a woman's journey of bootcamp was taken down. I understand why, but I wish she would have posted how her heart feels now, how she has been changed(or not) and more notes on this. I think many of us domestic discipline folks (and even just people in general) are trying to figure out the hidden walls in ourselves.
A journey to live in the present. I will keep posting about these on going meditations. It gives food for thought on how past experiences do matter in the current environment, even when we are not focused on them. Maybe not every experience adds to something, maybe it is just the most emotional filled that shape our ability to love now.
I give love quite freely, but I have trouble relaxing and taking in love. Hmm. Now I have thought myself into a corner. Where is a wise monk when I need him?:)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
If you and your HOH could be any animal, what would you be and why?
My first answer would be: fluffy Persian housecats that have a blessed life. We have 3 cats who live pretty good, and they seem to have a nice time. *One of my cats looks like a Persian Grumpy Cat!* To cuddle and snooze all day would be fine with me.
My HOH chose a Donkey for giggle reasons. We saw a donkey hiding behind a tree trunk at the zoo, and it looked like he had a long rope chained on him. Umm, it was not a rope. We were going he looked embarrassed (or maybe creepy) aroused behind the tree. It also explained to us: hung like a donkey. I quipped it looked like my HOH when I am ignoring him. *hahaha*
The Second Question is from George K:
I have two questions. First, if Hollywood were to make a movie of your life, who would you pick to play you? Second, do you play a musical instrument or did you in school?
Answer: If Hollywood made a movie of my life, I am guessing the role of me would go to either Jenna Fisher (Pam of The Office) or Ellen Page from Juno.
I was voted to look like I would play the role of a "helper, nurse, caregiver, or Mom" in acting school. I'm short, kinda clumsy, quirky and sweet(except on my bad days!) I also have a habit of being too passive and having a dry wit sense of humor. The role of me would have to go to someone who can communicate my essence: a girl who tries hard, is hard on herself, sometimes anxious, and gets herself into pickles and can have high ideals. Someone who can fire off one liners. Ellen Page would work great for the tough to pin down age in me (my daughter's friends started a rumor I am her sister!) Course, I see a couple lines around my eyes, so maybe my character is aging!:)
I played the flute in school. I wanted to play bagpipes but my family told me No (and it was not an option.) My Mom wanted me to play the flute, but I was too terrified to play solo...so I was last chair because of my stage fright during testing. I was also in choir and went to college for Theatre.
My question: Where did I meet my HOH?
Answer: We worked in a grocery store when I was 19 and he was 18. I noticed him the first day I worked there. He seemed so nice to everyone. I thought surely he must have all the girls swooning. I went home the first day and kinda cried he would never notice me. Flash forward a year of getting up the courage to speak to him, cultivating a friendship, and admitting to my crush by kissing him-and we finally became a pair. It was a love at first sight experience for me. I spent much of that year wishing on stars and praying to God he would notice me (I figured he deserved someone much more together than me!)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
1. Not spending enough time with HOH...I spent a little too much time chilling out instead of spending time with him. Every night this week has been a late one, so I thought making love was off the table. Guess he still had the energy at after 11pm-ish.
2. Playing on the phone while visiting with his family. I love his family, the guys were just on their Ipad and their laptops, so I was just scrolling my phone in the midst of conversation. However, HOH has talked about it before with me so this led to my ...surprise discipline. I was actually thankful he had the energy to do so, because it's been awhile. After my health scare earlier this month, I think it made us more timid period for a few days, then life took over.:)
My relative in law is a single, older guy. He is looking for the right girl, and he made mention of it earlier this week on this fb status.
"The perfect girl for me is *traits I can't remember*, submissive, and mindless!"
He prepared for others to confront his tongue and cheek status, but it got my mind whirling. I am SURE he was not using submissive in the way I understand it, in fact, he is probably pretty dead set against women ever submitting to their partners ever....except for sexual role playing, I guess.*Blinks to forget I made this connection about him.*
I made a minor private message to him, without giving too much detail. I wrote how submission does not equal mindless. I think being submissive by choice takes brain power, it takes focus. When I am mindless, it easy for me to indulge in my own wants and desires, not the few seconds more to make the logical choice for my relationship. I was not trying to convert this guy to that thinking, merely just taking the time to open his mind that hey, someone understands submission *somewhat lol* and to clarify that stereotype.
He wrote back, a little mind blown. I am sure I should have kept quiet about his cheeky status, but could not help it.:) Of course he was referring to submission as in: a sexy European nymph who will do whatever he desires. He seemed to understand what I was getting at, somewhat. It was clearly news to him, and he asked where he could find such a relationship in 2013. *Cue me WANTING to tell him about all I have learned, without mention of domestic discipline. I was careful not to indulge more information, knowing it would take a ton of growing up for him to understand all this, and I know he may very easily never understand the merit. We might as well come from 2 opposite ends of thought on everything, anyway.
Sometimes friends and associates ask me marriage advice, and of course I don't feel qualified to give advice on something I am still working on. Yet, I have woven lightly some of the the changes we have made in our marriage, and how much happier I am. No mention of DD, no heavy words, just simple terms what motivated me to work on my union with my husband.
Coming full circle, the last couple weeks we have not had time to focus on DD, but I can see that improvements have been made in our marriage. I have been doing my best, things have been pretty smooth, it's almost like we don't need DD to keep going (PROGRESS!.)
Yet I will also add....
I have been feeling a tad needy to get back on board. My behavior could be more motivated, not even with actual discipline, but our united focus.
I do feel a need to be maintained...especially with PMS looming over me like the hormonal cloud of tears it is.
HOH assigned me lines last Sunday. (Long story of crying jag, snappy words, etc.) I should have put my foot down with my daughter invited kids over behind my back who were less than angelic. Instead, I needed his help resolving the situation. It felt like a huge deal to me...the kind of emotional timidity that seems like PMS or pregnancy. So I did say a snappy word to him, and he assigned me lines. I felt like such a jerk but was just trying to communicate that powerlessness I was feeling. He was telling me exactly what to say to end the problem in seconds, but I refused. He was right, I knew he was right, and the lines helped me feel somewhat cleared of the shame. Ever hear something leave your mouth and wish you could take it back?
Friday, March 8, 2013
I have joined the Lines club (assuming there is some club for this) with our domestic discipline marriage. I suggested them to Hub's after my last shopping spree. I use the term shopping spree in context, my idea of a shopping spree is Target, not anything upper crust. However, it did create enough tightness in our first of the month paycheck to feel the squeeze. Lines are repetitive, crampy, and make a girl feel foolish. It did help me to think about the cause and effect of what I did. I cherish those lines, because it was quite a bit of time devoted to my setback. There is nothing to show for that time but the lines. I got disciplined after the shopping spree, but asked HOH to discipline me AGAIN once we did the budget and I could feel the guilt for what I had done creep back. Normally after a discipline all is forgiven and one is not punished again for the same offense, but the guilt bit me in the bottom.
All in all:
Shopping spree $184
Full discipline paddling, etc
Corner time twice
My guilt discipline paddling set
1 more corner time
20 more lines to remind me not to spend on a free day.
The budget is created to handle our money and get closer to our goals, to live in peace with our money and without added stress. It only works if I hold to the budget. Anywho, I know I am behind in responding to comments...thank you for the love while I was sick!:) I will get to it this weekend.:)
Monday, March 4, 2013
-I did get paddled for my shopping spree, plus lines.*More on this later.*
Saturday night I had a ovary cyst burst, one of the most painful and scary events of my life. It was like " I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" lol. We were about to call an ambulance when I fainted. As I began to black out I had a quick second to think" Am I dying? Will I open my eyes again?"
I blacked out and hit my head on the tub. Hubby stood over me, patting me like crazy. I came too about 30 seconds later, but it felt like hours of sleep for me. He said my breathing almost sounded like snoring. We were in shock afterward. I just had a (young) friend pass away of a stroke, and my Mom died of a heart attack last year.
One thing I did think after the fact: At least I am confident my Hubby would have known how much I loved him if something unthinkable were to happen. Out of everything else we are working out, at least our marriage has become such a passionate journey together. Thank God for that.
So, not to be a drama queen but I have never blacked out before so it was pretty traumatic. I came to and all my pain went away. All I wanted to do was hold my Hubs, I know I should have gone to the hospital. The mind can make random choices on a chilly night.
Just came back from a new gyno today. She was so nice and did an ultrasound on my "stuff". The ultrasound put me in the mushy mood to have another baby. *Which is pretty much my mood lately.* While she believes I did have a cyst erupt, everything seems normal in the Zone.
I left thanking God, so very thankful. Out of this crazy experience came the blessing of finding a good doctor I feel comfortable with. She was pretty supportive all the way around.:)
How many other DD couples have looked at their wife's bottom while discussing if to go see a doctor?:) "Yes, doc, my wife is a little odd."
:) Now my Hubby is exhausted. He was pretty afraid to spank me or do anything to me after seeing me get sick. Can't blame him. I am sure it was harder for him to witness it.
Signing off and going to cuddle.:)
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Whoops, there it went.
Today I found myself at Lowe's getting flowers and garden stuff. Did I tell HOH? No. Do I love to garden? Yes. A little too much.
I am one of these girls who gets super excited and idealistic, partner that with my sentiment for yesterday and it can be huge.
I remember gardening with my Mom, one of the rare good feelings of childhood. She would be peaceful. I would feel the cool earth between my bare feet, the cold water of the hose. She always had a knack to pick out beautiful flowers beyond my gifts.
This is the first spring she has passed on. The flowers called to me, edging me to take on my role and where Mom's had been. I had to get the annuals, the tomatoes, the herbs, the snap dragons....
So many things in my life died last year. With the grief of her, I think most of my old garden went with it. Now is a new, promising time. A testimony of how God has worked during the darkest times for new life and prosperity. See what I mean about me being all Hallmark like?
I should have gotten less. Now, I feel selfish. I reasoned I would invite more folks over to enjoy the garden, now I feel like I should give a few pieces to my neighbors. Seriously. There is a fella in Brazil trying to build one room shacks for the kids there, and here I am, Miss Flowers everywhere.
So, I don't want my over enthusiasm to sour the garden, but I know my HOH will hold me to the "no surprise shopping sprees" rule. I need him to.He already got very firm and HOH like on the text" I want you to have nice things, but we talked about these surprises."
Plus, I am behind on the business I needed to do today, and just gave myself a lot more to care for. Hope I like gardening this much, HOH will have my bum if the plants get neglected!
I have uploaded a photo of the red ones, as I have a feeling something on me will match it soon.
At least my cat is royally enjoying the catnip.:)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
My HOH only recently began this journey with me, in November. I have done the bulk of the research, etc. To have a wife who is suddenly wanting to submit to you and encouraging you to lead must be a pretty big change. It wasn't like I was a huge diva before this, but I did put other people before our marriage.
Since we began DD in Nov:
I am keeping the budget!
Get his consent before making major purchases, time commitments, etc.
Told several opportunities and folks "No" per my HOH's wishes
Told 3 MLM offers No:)
Keeping the home more organized
My attitude has been better(I think)
Our love life is pretty frequent and I am showing interest:)
I don't keep things so bottled up
Not spending lots of time taking calls when HOH is home
My interest in spending time with him is much improved. I greet him at the door when he comes home, truly excited.
Oh, and I very seldom wear those massive t shirts my Dad sent me to bed.:)
I sent HOH a couple links to encourage his HOH side of things since he hasn't read much on DD, etc. I found a couple pieces I liked on mypersonalthinkingspot.blogspot.com. I know being an HOH is his journey, I just want to keep encouraging him on the fantastic job he is doing. I think most DD couples have these learning curves. I really appreciate when he holds me accountable.
I hope he is just as happy as I am with our night and day change.:)
So HOH tried the paddle on me, it lives up to it's name. He likes that it is easy to hold, but was very intimidated to try it. LOL, the right tool for the right job!
I figured out that right now I need maintenance about 2 times a week, somewhere on the weekend and somewhere around Wednesday. That seems to be my pattern for keeping calm and collected. Guess we all get the midweek grumps and need a little more encouragement.
Monday, February 25, 2013
I just put my trusty brown dress in the giveaway pile. Really, I should throw it away. It's been a good dress. A casual hipster bridesmaid dress in 2007, countless dates and events, and I wore it to my Mom's funeral. Since then, it is tainted to me. I picked it up and put it in the bag, just feeling the heavy relief when I did.
It's time for me to clear out the clutter I sink myself in. Why do I keep things that clearly make me unhappy? I looked in my closet and most of my clothes are missing buttons, bleach stained, or have tiny tears. I got rid of about 40 percent until I can replenish the clothes with new threads. My bff said she is sending me a box of her gently loved clothes, so this is great timing.
I need to focus on a little self love at this point, making room for new blessings and experiences. Holding on to the pain is comforting in some ways, but very limiting over all. I think I will focus on this for the next few weeks.:) I love myself much more than I did in the past, and it's time to show that. Better go find my HOH and get some cuddles, I need it after clearing out some old stuff.:)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
So on Wed it said on the tracking site"Delivery Notice Left." Did not see any notice. Checked the mailbox and surrounding area.
4pm- Found postal worker. Sweet and nervously asked about package. She gives me another delivery slip and says I can pick it up at post office or have it delivered tomorrow. That would not work, the kiddo is at home and will try to open the box. Hmm.
Moments later-read new delivery note and noticed she wrote it would not be available for pick up until after 8:30 that day. Oh no! Postal worker will read that and not even check for it.
I decide to cram the delivery note in my pocket and just show my I.D.
4:30 p.m. Standing in pick up line, nervously hand I.D. over and explain situation. Get the stink eye. I choose to be sweet and stealth.
The triangle package tube comes to me! I hold it, concealing the importance.
Seconds later- a man comes up behind me and touches the box. In his thick accent he would like that box."You can get it at the front desk," I stammer,"or you can wait and I will bring the empty box to you." Please don't let me unwrap it in front of everyone, good Sir.
He runs to the front desk for new versions of the same box. I leap to the car. What the heck, I open it with my car keys on my lap and tear off the tape. Trying to look around to make sure this is a somewhat private moment.
Holy Cow, this thing is big. Hubby is going to freak. I slap my knee with it, which was pretty silly because it was still in bubble wrap. I eye a tall SUV who has a good view of my little compact, so I decide to slip the paddle in my messenger bag.
Later that night, I show HOH.
His first words:" Holy cow! Does this thing come with instruction videos?"
He tries to slap his knee and winces.
*paddle and photo from www.cane-iac.com.
Yes, we are satisfied with the purchase. It certainly has already brought much excitement and drama to an otherwise quiet week.:)
I remind myself of the classic child whose parents are getting divorced, the child blaming himself. I take this on with the whole family tree. It's not true, so why I do I feel the need to take on that postion?
Really looking forward to my PMS calming down and my mind getting back to the present. Believe me, I am trying. Guess I should really try, as in, not think about it and do something fun. Get out of the house and connect with others.
My HOH has a date for us tomorrow night. Thankfully! He could have spanked me last night, but chose not to. Of course, this morning I think he saw he should have.:) Someone hit the release valve on me!
Anyone else have challenging PMS symptoms? Do you cry or get irritable?
It's not an excuse to act poorly, but I feel it's also hard to feel good or normal during this time.
-Pretty Much Stressed (over what?!) Mixie
I will focus on being thankful the rest of today!:)
Monday, February 18, 2013
Awe, Hell Naw.
"It's already full! If you wanna try to jam more in there, be my guest! I like my dishes clean and not not crammed in!"
Oh my.Total Jerk tone. I was that nasty wife in that moment. I knew I blew it, I knew I needed to be re-set. I should have told him that I was getting too antsy and needed a moment.
I felt so guilty afterwards. I said I was sorry for being a jerk, and explained why I made that mistake.
When we had private time, he calmly took me back for my spanking. I expressed a need to be re-set, and I am really glad he knew I needed it. Plus, he was a little mad his wife was being such a jerk.
"We are not nasty with each other like that!" He explained while I was over his knee.
My Mom and Dad fought. There was no telling her anything. I loved my Mom, Lord rest her soul. However, she could fight with the best of 'em. I don't want to be a nagging, brat wife. Seriously.
He told me afterwards that he had no issue with spanking me for this offense. When I was in the kitchen, he wanted to bend me over and paddle me right there.
For those of you just getting to know this blog, my HOH has always been a gentle type. He had to be talked into this whole spanking deal. I would consider this urge of his a major success.
72 hours post smoking!
So tomorrow I should get my paddle. Darn President's Day holding up the mail! I wanna see the sucker!:)
So I can trust her in our fellowship of being cast aside. I could trust her before that, but there is even more of a bond now.
Paraphrased Text Chat:
Me: I have been thinking, Grandpa should have spanked Grandma. Wonder if he did. Goodness knows she needed it. So stubborn! Just like Great Grandma....
Cousin: (not texting back fast enough for my comfort)
Me: It could be like 50 Shades of *insert family last name here*
Cousin: BAHAHA, yes, that's priceless. I am still cracking up. 50 Shades!
Me: You know, all the women in our family tend to be really stubborn. My Mom needed someone to chill her out.
Cousin. Yeah, I wonder if Grandpa ever did to Grandma.
Me: This may be TMI, but I ASK *hoh name* to spank me when I get really stressed. It so helps out. Truly. How else do you think I handle stress?
Cousin: *no texts for a minute.*
Of course I mildly panic about how this could have been taken. Instead, she asks a bunch of questions! :) It really helps you de-stress? You ask for it? It helps your libido? How is that?
I didn't fully go into the whole domestic discipline plan, but did send her a link to a short story on Amazon regarding Domestic Discipline that writes it out in a loving fashion. She loved 50 Shades of Grey (I never read it.) The story I sent her to check out is not to hardcore, has values and true love in the store. Something to ease you into it.
She expressed that her hubby would look at her odd if she asked for it. Course, I would assume after reading 50 Shades a wife could ask her husband to do new things and use that as the reason! Yet, I KNOW when I first told HOH I was very nervous and embarrassed. We are very frank with each other, but somehow asking your HOH to hold you accountable and spank you to solve disputes is a TON different than suggesting something new sexually speaking.
I highlighted for her how all the women in our family have been high stressed, high wired types. We just are. Anxiety runs in the family tree. The women are not chilling, surfer chicks. Actually, I think I'm pretty down to earth and laid back, but I hold in a ton of internal stress and get anxious. We are the worry worts your Papa warned you about.
For the record, I have been working on not worrying.:) Someone told me a couple weeks ago that "Fear is Perverted Faith" and I get it.
If I was an HOH and my wife came to me and said," Hey, you know how you could help me not be a basketcase Chicken Little? Spank me when I get like that," I would love it. Yet I know my HOH was a little skeptic. It seemed opposite of what he heard his whole life, what society says, etc.
The results have spoken for themselves. Our marriage is back on track and our family is moving forward. I find myself more liberated NOW then I did, when I tried to handle everything by myself and kept my walls up.
So I stressed to her
-this was my choice
-it helps me
-I trust HOH fully, otherwise I'd never consent to this.
-we are communicating much better
I will let the amazon story tell the rest of it. I would point her to this blog, but judging that I just bought a new paddle, I don't want to scare the poor girl! LOL
I consider my lil confession a success. Hopefully, it will help her.:) Obviously, I am not trying to convert her, but I feel passionate and happy with my DD marriage!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I gave away my lighter yesterday.
Will have to think how I can relax and take a quiet moment for myself now that the porch is a danger zone. Too soon for me to go out there, even without ciggys in my possession.
I need a spanking to calm down and take the edge off. Normally I don't snap at HOH but he offered some advice on loading the dishwasher and I was like," If you wanna do the dishes, you can do them." Then I said I was sorry for snapping, and that I am trying really hard to have a good attitude.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
HOH is not interested in anything to scary, like the cane. I had some spending money and finally bought the paddle. I spent much time deciding what to get, but finally caved to peer influence. It looks very much like http://lovemyhoh.blogspot.com/'s paddle and I know it's Clint and Chelsea's paddle from www.learningdd.com fame. Okay, I'm not being creepy, I just went with what other folks were using LOL. My indecision about buying a new implement was taking too much time.
Both T and Chelsea have said they dislike it, so I will most likely be eating my enthusiasm very soon. However, I think my rear has "graduated" from our wooden turner "paddle" made of Bamboo. There is no "oh gosh" factor. Course, HOH thinks I am very silly. I also know he has probably been prudent with this arm force.
So here it is, the paddle you have all seen before...but now I will be getting one too!
Mixie" Hey, this looks like it would hurt. I'm gonna get it!"
Maybe I am not the brightest. Maybe we will call him "Mr. Motivation Coach."
This item can be found at http://www.cane-iac.com/items/wood-spanking-paddles/srsolidoakpaddle-detail.htm and the photo is from their site.
Chelsea's post on the implements can be found here http://knowingyourroles.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-spanking-implements-guide-part-1.html?zx=761cde2265b0e60c
Another thing we need to hide when guests come around. This would be very hard to explain away!
Our whole family isn't fully repaired. Yet, I pray everyday and take action where I can. Can't life be like a Hallmark commercial where I give Grandma flowers and we just live in the love of today? The redemption? Sigh. I know I can't solve everyone's problems, but I will do my part.
It was hopeful to see my Mom hung in there for the blessing of my child. Her Grandchild. It seems that her grandchild gave her new rays of hope, to hold onto. For that, my Mom passed naturally and she didn't take her own life.
I do have faith. Faith that God is delivering us day to day as we obey him. Faith that I have been redeemed and can fully love. Faith that God gave me purpose for as long as I breathe.
Tragedy makes a person either become bitter and hopeless, or cling to faith and the hope in this cosmic land. I choose to have faith, God is so good. I do not need to understand all the suffering to have faith that this labor of life has meaning.
None of this could have been an accident. Not the suffering, nor the trials. I have been purified by what God knew I could stand.
I forgive my Mom, and I know she forgives me. From the moment I knew she passed, all of our troubles became water under the bridge. It's kind of like when a baby is born...so pure and perfect. In her passing, my memory of her is reduced to Love and Forgiveness, the way it should be all along.
Happy to announce I have completed 24 hours NOT SMOKING! To God be the glory, for my flesh is weak and I have had my crutches. Lately, it seems I have been able to let them go. No Diet Coke, no ciggs.
I will not let my addictions corrupt my health anymore. My Mom passed from complications of alcohol.
Ahhh, listening to Hey Jude. The second part is the best part. Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah. Love to my Mom. Getting chills right now. Thank you God for bringing me up higher.
Hey Jude (for anyone who has the incline to enjoy it today) :)
Friday, February 15, 2013
*I will spare you the details*
I did get my cry on, but it was happy, astonished tears. Just pure love and unity.
So *yay* I got to cry!!! *No spankings were involved. I just was able to let it out, and it was wonderful to cry. It was also raining outside, and we had needed rain. The heavens opened up!
I was greatly encouraged to hear that HOH is closer to considering Baby 2! Needless to say, the progress we have made together is why he is seeing it more of a possibility.
My other neighbor ladies have spouses who want to get them pregnant now, but in our home,it's the opposite. I am being patient (as I can be) because HOH is right. I have always been eager to not time pass us by. HOH understands the logistics and is more cautious. Both are good views to have.
I will be patient and wait. *I have just reminded him in the past not to forget, because it is very important to me.*
To hear that he is coming closer, that we are getting closer to that point...that is amazing news.
-An only child who wants a bigger family :)