Sunday, April 7, 2013

Nip It In The Bud!

After my Mom passed away, I kind of saw my marriage on a shelf. There was not a lot of passion in me, or peaceful thinking. I was struggling, and try as I may, treated my beautiful HOH more like a roommate than anything. I know, it's awful to confess this. I do credit Learning Domestic Discipline with giving us renewed passion and commitment in our marriage. It helped me get my spunk back.

Recently, a very close friend of mine in my "inner circle" confessed to me how upset she is at her husband. Long story short, they are a young couple who are both business professionals with young kids and not a ton of time to think.

She feels neglected. She asks for help and then yells for it. He blanks and forgets, always with work dancing in his mind. She feels like there is no true intimacy or communication in their marriage.

That is the danger zone.

I have been there when my own marriage was just superficial communication of the day to day, never getting to the heart of the matter. I admit, those were mostly my own walls and distractions. I tried to give her advice to get the ball rolling. Course, it's really hard to figure out to how to get inside a man's mind when you are not a guy yourself.

My HOH suggested that she needed to make an emotional plea of what she needed, to sit down without distractions. I suggested he needs visual reminders of what she needs on the action level. (Sometimes verbal requests are quickly drowned out.)

After about 20 texts messages, I did throw out a sassy" You should just spank him." Inner joke. However, my dear friends are just experiencing the demands of suburban life and needing to see the battle plan of how to make life work.

I am not perfect by any means. I can only say where setting my priorities straight and staying accountable have helped us, and it's always a work in progress. Where there is little communication in the marriage,  I can only think of one thing. What would Barney Fife say?

"Nip it in the Bud!" 

I will keep thinking of the right advice for her. Any others have suggestions?

Sunday Hugs!


  1. This may sound odd to her, because she is the one who desires the attention, but how about she shower him with what she desires. It takes a while, but if she sticks it out, through more resentment, it often works. That old saying hasn't been around forever because it isn't true..." Treat others as you would like to be treated"

    Only this is not so much in the biblical sense. I mean, pamper him. Let him be able to empty his mind, and then fill it with thoughts of her.

    Hey its worth a shot.


  2. I agree with Willie. I have been told and seen time and time again that do for my husband what I want from him. When you give love, when you give time and help, it doesn't take too long for it to come back around again. I hope they're able to work it out. Have you thought at all about mentioning DD? My husband was a lot like hers, and DD really changed his attention and focus from work onto me. I don't need all his attention, but I do need some, and this truly helped.

  3. I am not sure if I am qualified to respond, but then that has never slowed me down in the past :-)

    Seriously though, I once was having trouble in my marriage and I spoke with a counselor who gave me some good advice. She said to remember those things about Nina that first attracted me to her and focus on them for a while. I actually went one step farther and wrote a list of them so when I get upset, I could remember why she is the love of my life!

    It was good advice, it helped me then, and I still do it when things get crazy with day to day living stuff.

    Maybe both your friend and her husband should write a list of the things that made them fall in love with each other in the first place and then try to focus on that for a while rather than the day to day issues that can consume ones mindset.

    I agree with Willie and Es May and perhaps if they can see each other as they did in the beginning, in a much happier light, it would be easier to become that which they need to be for each other.

    I will pray that they are able to turn things around and be happy.

    Have a blessed day.