Saturday, March 30, 2013
This morning I woke up a little YARGH. Last night, we got to bed very late and there was no time to talk to my HOH or do anything. *Nothing like falling asleep on the couch with something on my mind.* So this morning I woke up a little tired and gave it the old Saturday grumpy show.
So I got some stress relief/adjustment in the closet, until my attitude and emotions relaxed. My hubby and lil girl are busy napping, so I wrote this with my cat next to me. Want to wake them up soon so we can do something fun today!
I will leave you with a light hearted funny.:)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
This week I can truly feel my husband carrying me when I feel faint in my spirit, soul, and body. I can't quite put my finger on it. I need a second wind, an encouragement, a new fire of courage. It is a new thing to be faithful when my emotions keep pressing me to be a meek little daisy in the corner.
This morning, I feel like a woman in labor. That point in transition, when she is about to give up, all her energy and spirit is spent. She holds on (maybe begging to be put out of her agony) before the final second wind of action comes upon her, birthing her child. It is a this point where she needs encouragement the most, when all hell is breaking loose for her. The husband tries to minister to her, as do her helpers to just hang on there...one more minute...hold on.
I know in my spirit that this must mean something good is about to happen, the tide is about to turn, it will get better. One more day, Mixie. God gives us grace for one day at a time. What has crushed my spirit so?
I realize my heart is yearning for my Grandma to acknowledge me and love me. It seems so unfair to be cast aside by her. As the Easter season approaches, I put my heart out again...and the small expectation of my heart that maybe this time she will return the love makes me feel faint. I find myself wondering if her church services are ministering to her heart, is God softening her heart, do I need to do this all myself? I guess I am giving her the upper hand.
I need to remind myself that God loves me, my husband loves me, and I have enough people to bless and have fellowship each day. Even if she never looks at me again, God loves me. I can't look for love in her, the meaning and validation of myself. I guess this was the lesson of my Mom. I guess I need to remember, that maybe her heart is too broken and hardened to reach out one more time. There is a feeling in me that says" Do not punish me for the sins of my Mother! Do not make me her scapegoat."
Ha. I have to laugh as I am getting misty eyed. I am listening to a preacher talk about" If your family had not walked out, God could not walk in." Ahh, I needed that.
"Suffering...sacrifice and struggle...."
My husband is standing firm in understanding this moment of pain for me. It's an inner pain of the heart that cannot be easily soothed by a coffee or trip to Target. (Believe me, I have tried to cheer myself up with the usual mood boosters.) How many husbands understand how hard it is to understand your wife when there is something on her mind, holding her back?
Here is what my husband is doing for me:
Reminding me of the truth that I am loved and adored.
Not letting me backslide on all the work I have done( like running to go smoke a cigarette)
Keeping me accountable (not letting me run around with a bad attitude and wasting the day in self pity. He still expects me to keep rising up.)
Reminding me to have fun and create, to plant wonderful things even when my emotions are attempting to stop me.
Reminding me to bless others and minister to my friends and community. Major Duh! If I want to be encouraged, I need to encourage!
My husband also fasted from food the other day...to pray for me. I was astonished and it felt so wonderful that he was willing to reach out his hand to help me in this way. He is fasting today as well to prepare for Easter. There is something about his sacrifice that encourages me to get back on it, to keep moving forward.
Thriving married life must be two partners encouraging each other in love each day, in unity. When we are in unity, with a shared vision, this is where the mountains can move. Sometimes a spouse can get stuck inside their mind and need encouragement to stay the course. I am so thankful my husband keeps pressing me forward. He never focuses on how much I still need to improve, he helps me look at the progress I am making. At the end of the day, he reminds me that I am loved, no matter if I do anything more in my life or not.
Until recently, I looked for my purpose in the external things. I needed validation from others to feel permission to live. I guess my Grandma is one of those folks I still yearn for validation from, but I need to remember- I am loved. It's not time to lean on the past, it's not time to lean on those who refuse to come, it's time to lean on who is here with me. Thank you, Husband, for giving me strength when I feel faint. Thank you for not giving up on me when I am not the funnest wife to be around.
Whew, this has made me feel better. Now to work on getting out of my own mind and focusing on things not so close to my brain. Sometimes we need our viewpoint shifted, and I think I need a paradigm shift in this case.
At least Madea will always be my honorary Grandma.:)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I will not test until I am late, whenever that happens. I will relax and just enjoy this time before the next chapter really begins.
It's so different having a "planned" pregnancy, I mean, my lil one now was a SURPRISE. Not like"haha surprise" but like "Holy Cow, this just got real-SURPRISE!"
My best friend and I were discussing the change between her first baby and her second. The first one, she was kind of in denial and just hung in there, producing a meaty, strong lil guy. The second was planned, worried about, and she did everything in her power to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was filled with medical emergencies before and after for several months. I find myself already worrying about the next kiddo. My first was so strong, I have joked she would have stopped at nothing to be here.
Time for a zen attitude!:)
Last night I rolled around in an electric state of non-sleep. My diet has changed so late night caffeine has been triggering me. I woke up with a tense mood, emotional and feeling stressed. I communicated this to my HOH without giving a big show, and he promptly gave me the time I needed. Ha, how many husbands go into work late because their brides need emergency maintenance?
I realized later today that is my hidden expectations and fears that came into that wave of Wednesday emotions. Almost one year since Mom died. Grandma doesn't contact me, although I wrote her another heartfelt Easter letter. Not to mention HOH and I are letting God and nature take it's course with having another baby. Ha, I realize very little of this is in my control. How I manage what happens(my reactions) in each of these relationships does.
I find creating something helps me not worry so much about things, I need to create more, work on a project just for fun. I played Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun for my daughter today and realized I just haven't been a sassy as I once was. Maybe I haven't given myself the opportunity to enjoy life and express it. I think I've always scored as a "need to create to feel fulfilled" personality.
Hmm, the somberness of last year, the focus on living with more wisdom and maturity the last few months, maybe I just need to spend time with my Dad and get that genetic wit flowing again. Hmm, maybe I will begin to write again.
My former screenwriting teacher used to say "Not for Nothing," I think I am finally grasping this whole year has been a lesson in what "Not for Nothing" might mean for me.
The Past 12 Months:
-had a parent pass with a ton of emotional baggage to clean up and sort, and every level and every relationship
-worked on 3 different podcasts, including my own
-had to find a backbone which I possibly never used before
-walked away from a whole little career because I didn't feel God wanted me in it, as least not what I was doing
-began domestic discipline and became so close with my hubby like never before
-In November told God that whatever I needed to leave behind for the sake of my relationship with Him and my marriage, I would honor.
-stopped smoking since having it be a stronghold for years( I realized this was a crutch for me to sooth myself and a spiritual struggle)
-was "blacklisted" by my family for their feelings regarding my Mom's passing, despite my pleading for love. I always tried to be the good, mild mannered family member. My Mom would scream at all of them. When she passed, there was so much emotion no one knew where to put anything. I realize my Grandma's rejection of me feels an awful lot like my Mother's rejection of me in childhood.
-realized my people pleasing attitude truly doesn't solve many issues and creates much more. In the beginning of DD, we spent the first few months working on this.
Ha! No wonder I haven't felt very light! Lots of deep searching. Seriously, the last 12 months have been the most bittersweet, and the most joyful and meaningful. All this growth is not something I would have ever asked for, but something I needed, in some way.
I guess the all these experiences were truly Not For Nothing!:)
My life has done a 180 in the same body. Everything is looking up. I have faith all will work out with Grandma, her heart will soften to me eventually. No one was the enemy here. I will just keep doing the best I can each day, and see what comes of it.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Fear does not care if you are rich or poor, beautiful, or any gift you may have. What can you do when you are frozen in submission to fearful thoughts?
I have been trying this new thing to me called Faith. I tried Faith before but I never knew how important is was to let of go of fear while learning to operate in faith. It does not mean a smooth ride, it is not blind luck at the gambling table, but it is strength that it is all going to work out someway, somehow.
I realized as Father God loves us, and my husband loves me, how can I receive his love fully when I nurse myself with fear? Fear has this strange way of making one feel like "everything will be okay if you cling to this and soothe yourself, if you try to control your life in this manner." Many say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is fear based and a need for control. How many closet OCD folks do we have here who can testify.:)
I am not the stereotype of the obsessively cleaning OCD (bet Hubby would love that!) I deal with what I call, spiritual ocd. That is where little glitch thoughts can disrupt my mind and joy, I believe they would term it as racing thoughts. I finally confessed it to my BFF awhile back and she admitted she has these too! Hers are different racing thoughts. We noticed if we were under stress, or had emotions that would not release-it would "flair up." It was great to know I was not alone in this, that many people have their minds attacked by fear and having trouble focusing on peace from time to time.
I guess the short story would be: my childhood was filled with fear and darkness. Something bad always happened, always at random times. I trained myself to be alert and always expect it to happen. There was no safety net. Now, I live a new life with the old training in my emotional scale, to learn to release and have joy has taken time.
Recently during intimate time with my HOH I realized I have trouble relaxing and just enjoying, not micromanaging or worrying about the outcome on my part. There is a wall there. The next day, I tried during my prayer time to just surrender to God and wait to see what comes up. Do you know the trouble I had surrendering?
I did an experiment leaning against a tree. I was practicing relaxing against the tree and just surrendering to the moment. If I had to guess, 40 percent of me was giving and 60 percent of me was still tense and had an agenda.
During our last maintenance session, my HOH encouraged me to release and let go of pent up emotions. He was so encouraging. This has given me something to meditate on. I trust Father God, I trust my Hubby...do I not trust myself? Is that the barrier?
Or am I trying to micromanage my curiosity for surrendering to love, too? Ha!
I did notice the blog posted last month of a woman's journey of bootcamp was taken down. I understand why, but I wish she would have posted how her heart feels now, how she has been changed(or not) and more notes on this. I think many of us domestic discipline folks (and even just people in general) are trying to figure out the hidden walls in ourselves.
A journey to live in the present. I will keep posting about these on going meditations. It gives food for thought on how past experiences do matter in the current environment, even when we are not focused on them. Maybe not every experience adds to something, maybe it is just the most emotional filled that shape our ability to love now.
I give love quite freely, but I have trouble relaxing and taking in love. Hmm. Now I have thought myself into a corner. Where is a wise monk when I need him?:)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
If you and your HOH could be any animal, what would you be and why?
My first answer would be: fluffy Persian housecats that have a blessed life. We have 3 cats who live pretty good, and they seem to have a nice time. *One of my cats looks like a Persian Grumpy Cat!* To cuddle and snooze all day would be fine with me.
My HOH chose a Donkey for giggle reasons. We saw a donkey hiding behind a tree trunk at the zoo, and it looked like he had a long rope chained on him. Umm, it was not a rope. We were going he looked embarrassed (or maybe creepy) aroused behind the tree. It also explained to us: hung like a donkey. I quipped it looked like my HOH when I am ignoring him. *hahaha*
The Second Question is from George K:
I have two questions. First, if Hollywood were to make a movie of your life, who would you pick to play you? Second, do you play a musical instrument or did you in school?
Answer: If Hollywood made a movie of my life, I am guessing the role of me would go to either Jenna Fisher (Pam of The Office) or Ellen Page from Juno.
I was voted to look like I would play the role of a "helper, nurse, caregiver, or Mom" in acting school. I'm short, kinda clumsy, quirky and sweet(except on my bad days!) I also have a habit of being too passive and having a dry wit sense of humor. The role of me would have to go to someone who can communicate my essence: a girl who tries hard, is hard on herself, sometimes anxious, and gets herself into pickles and can have high ideals. Someone who can fire off one liners. Ellen Page would work great for the tough to pin down age in me (my daughter's friends started a rumor I am her sister!) Course, I see a couple lines around my eyes, so maybe my character is aging!:)
I played the flute in school. I wanted to play bagpipes but my family told me No (and it was not an option.) My Mom wanted me to play the flute, but I was too terrified to play solo...so I was last chair because of my stage fright during testing. I was also in choir and went to college for Theatre.
My question: Where did I meet my HOH?
Answer: We worked in a grocery store when I was 19 and he was 18. I noticed him the first day I worked there. He seemed so nice to everyone. I thought surely he must have all the girls swooning. I went home the first day and kinda cried he would never notice me. Flash forward a year of getting up the courage to speak to him, cultivating a friendship, and admitting to my crush by kissing him-and we finally became a pair. It was a love at first sight experience for me. I spent much of that year wishing on stars and praying to God he would notice me (I figured he deserved someone much more together than me!)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
1. Not spending enough time with HOH...I spent a little too much time chilling out instead of spending time with him. Every night this week has been a late one, so I thought making love was off the table. Guess he still had the energy at after 11pm-ish.
2. Playing on the phone while visiting with his family. I love his family, the guys were just on their Ipad and their laptops, so I was just scrolling my phone in the midst of conversation. However, HOH has talked about it before with me so this led to my ...surprise discipline. I was actually thankful he had the energy to do so, because it's been awhile. After my health scare earlier this month, I think it made us more timid period for a few days, then life took over.:)
My relative in law is a single, older guy. He is looking for the right girl, and he made mention of it earlier this week on this fb status.
"The perfect girl for me is *traits I can't remember*, submissive, and mindless!"
He prepared for others to confront his tongue and cheek status, but it got my mind whirling. I am SURE he was not using submissive in the way I understand it, in fact, he is probably pretty dead set against women ever submitting to their partners ever....except for sexual role playing, I guess.*Blinks to forget I made this connection about him.*
I made a minor private message to him, without giving too much detail. I wrote how submission does not equal mindless. I think being submissive by choice takes brain power, it takes focus. When I am mindless, it easy for me to indulge in my own wants and desires, not the few seconds more to make the logical choice for my relationship. I was not trying to convert this guy to that thinking, merely just taking the time to open his mind that hey, someone understands submission *somewhat lol* and to clarify that stereotype.
He wrote back, a little mind blown. I am sure I should have kept quiet about his cheeky status, but could not help it.:) Of course he was referring to submission as in: a sexy European nymph who will do whatever he desires. He seemed to understand what I was getting at, somewhat. It was clearly news to him, and he asked where he could find such a relationship in 2013. *Cue me WANTING to tell him about all I have learned, without mention of domestic discipline. I was careful not to indulge more information, knowing it would take a ton of growing up for him to understand all this, and I know he may very easily never understand the merit. We might as well come from 2 opposite ends of thought on everything, anyway.
Sometimes friends and associates ask me marriage advice, and of course I don't feel qualified to give advice on something I am still working on. Yet, I have woven lightly some of the the changes we have made in our marriage, and how much happier I am. No mention of DD, no heavy words, just simple terms what motivated me to work on my union with my husband.
Coming full circle, the last couple weeks we have not had time to focus on DD, but I can see that improvements have been made in our marriage. I have been doing my best, things have been pretty smooth, it's almost like we don't need DD to keep going (PROGRESS!.)
Yet I will also add....
I have been feeling a tad needy to get back on board. My behavior could be more motivated, not even with actual discipline, but our united focus.
I do feel a need to be maintained...especially with PMS looming over me like the hormonal cloud of tears it is.
HOH assigned me lines last Sunday. (Long story of crying jag, snappy words, etc.) I should have put my foot down with my daughter invited kids over behind my back who were less than angelic. Instead, I needed his help resolving the situation. It felt like a huge deal to me...the kind of emotional timidity that seems like PMS or pregnancy. So I did say a snappy word to him, and he assigned me lines. I felt like such a jerk but was just trying to communicate that powerlessness I was feeling. He was telling me exactly what to say to end the problem in seconds, but I refused. He was right, I knew he was right, and the lines helped me feel somewhat cleared of the shame. Ever hear something leave your mouth and wish you could take it back?
Friday, March 8, 2013
I have joined the Lines club (assuming there is some club for this) with our domestic discipline marriage. I suggested them to Hub's after my last shopping spree. I use the term shopping spree in context, my idea of a shopping spree is Target, not anything upper crust. However, it did create enough tightness in our first of the month paycheck to feel the squeeze. Lines are repetitive, crampy, and make a girl feel foolish. It did help me to think about the cause and effect of what I did. I cherish those lines, because it was quite a bit of time devoted to my setback. There is nothing to show for that time but the lines. I got disciplined after the shopping spree, but asked HOH to discipline me AGAIN once we did the budget and I could feel the guilt for what I had done creep back. Normally after a discipline all is forgiven and one is not punished again for the same offense, but the guilt bit me in the bottom.
All in all:
Shopping spree $184
Full discipline paddling, etc
Corner time twice
My guilt discipline paddling set
1 more corner time
20 more lines to remind me not to spend on a free day.
The budget is created to handle our money and get closer to our goals, to live in peace with our money and without added stress. It only works if I hold to the budget. Anywho, I know I am behind in responding to comments...thank you for the love while I was sick!:) I will get to it this weekend.:)
Monday, March 4, 2013
-I did get paddled for my shopping spree, plus lines.*More on this later.*
Saturday night I had a ovary cyst burst, one of the most painful and scary events of my life. It was like " I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" lol. We were about to call an ambulance when I fainted. As I began to black out I had a quick second to think" Am I dying? Will I open my eyes again?"
I blacked out and hit my head on the tub. Hubby stood over me, patting me like crazy. I came too about 30 seconds later, but it felt like hours of sleep for me. He said my breathing almost sounded like snoring. We were in shock afterward. I just had a (young) friend pass away of a stroke, and my Mom died of a heart attack last year.
One thing I did think after the fact: At least I am confident my Hubby would have known how much I loved him if something unthinkable were to happen. Out of everything else we are working out, at least our marriage has become such a passionate journey together. Thank God for that.
So, not to be a drama queen but I have never blacked out before so it was pretty traumatic. I came to and all my pain went away. All I wanted to do was hold my Hubs, I know I should have gone to the hospital. The mind can make random choices on a chilly night.
Just came back from a new gyno today. She was so nice and did an ultrasound on my "stuff". The ultrasound put me in the mushy mood to have another baby. *Which is pretty much my mood lately.* While she believes I did have a cyst erupt, everything seems normal in the Zone.
I left thanking God, so very thankful. Out of this crazy experience came the blessing of finding a good doctor I feel comfortable with. She was pretty supportive all the way around.:)
How many other DD couples have looked at their wife's bottom while discussing if to go see a doctor?:) "Yes, doc, my wife is a little odd."
:) Now my Hubby is exhausted. He was pretty afraid to spank me or do anything to me after seeing me get sick. Can't blame him. I am sure it was harder for him to witness it.
Signing off and going to cuddle.:)