Today is the Full Moon, try as I might to not blame the moon for my moody morning, I have tried.:)
Last night I rolled around in an electric state of non-sleep. My diet has changed so late night caffeine has been triggering me. I woke up with a tense mood, emotional and feeling stressed. I communicated this to my HOH without giving a big show, and he promptly gave me the time I needed. Ha, how many husbands go into work late because their brides need emergency maintenance?
I realized later today that is my hidden expectations and fears that came into that wave of Wednesday emotions. Almost one year since Mom died. Grandma doesn't contact me, although I wrote her another heartfelt Easter letter. Not to mention HOH and I are letting God and nature take it's course with having another baby. Ha, I realize very little of this is in my control. How I manage what happens(my reactions) in each of these relationships does.
I find creating something helps me not worry so much about things, I need to create more, work on a project just for fun. I played Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun for my daughter today and realized I just haven't been a sassy as I once was. Maybe I haven't given myself the opportunity to enjoy life and express it. I think I've always scored as a "need to create to feel fulfilled" personality.
Hmm, the somberness of last year, the focus on living with more wisdom and maturity the last few months, maybe I just need to spend time with my Dad and get that genetic wit flowing again. Hmm, maybe I will begin to write again.
My former screenwriting teacher used to say "Not for Nothing," I think I am finally grasping this whole year has been a lesson in what "Not for Nothing" might mean for me.
The Past 12 Months:
-had a parent pass with a ton of emotional baggage to clean up and sort, and every level and every relationship
-worked on 3 different podcasts, including my own
-had to find a backbone which I possibly never used before
-walked away from a whole little career because I didn't feel God wanted me in it, as least not what I was doing
-began domestic discipline and became so close with my hubby like never before
-In November told God that whatever I needed to leave behind for the sake of my relationship with Him and my marriage, I would honor.
-stopped smoking since having it be a stronghold for years( I realized this was a crutch for me to sooth myself and a spiritual struggle)
-was "blacklisted" by my family for their feelings regarding my Mom's passing, despite my pleading for love. I always tried to be the good, mild mannered family member. My Mom would scream at all of them. When she passed, there was so much emotion no one knew where to put anything. I realize my Grandma's rejection of me feels an awful lot like my Mother's rejection of me in childhood.
-realized my people pleasing attitude truly doesn't solve many issues and creates much more. In the beginning of DD, we spent the first few months working on this.
Ha! No wonder I haven't felt very light! Lots of deep searching. Seriously, the last 12 months have been the most bittersweet, and the most joyful and meaningful. All this growth is not something I would have ever asked for, but something I needed, in some way.
I guess the all these experiences were truly Not For Nothing!:)
My life has done a 180 in the same body. Everything is looking up. I have faith all will work out with Grandma, her heart will soften to me eventually. No one was the enemy here. I will just keep doing the best I can each day, and see what comes of it.