Monday, March 25, 2013

Surrendering to Love is Deep Business.

Last week I realized how hard it is for me to surrender. First in my personal relationship with Father God, second to my husband. I realized the vast traumas of the past somehow cloud my longing to submit and just be, just surrender to the joy of the moment. It's easy for me to clean up the house, to say sweet things, to do kind works: but to let go of this phantom control inside me is a strange thing. What is that phantom control? I would call it Fear. Fear: the pesky under current that can keep me from evolving and enjoying my current life. I guess we are all bombarded by fear, even in suburbia. (Too be fair, I am also in the city. *chuckle*)

Fear does not care if you are rich or poor, beautiful, or any gift you may have. What can you do when you are frozen in submission to fearful thoughts?

I have been trying this new thing to me called Faith. I tried Faith before but I never knew how important is was to let of go of fear while learning to operate in faith. It does not mean a smooth ride, it is not blind luck at the gambling table, but it is strength that it is all going to work out someway, somehow.

I realized as Father God loves us, and my husband loves me, how can I receive his love fully when I nurse myself with fear? Fear has this strange way of making one feel like "everything will be okay if you cling to this and soothe yourself, if you try to control your life in this manner." Many say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is fear based and a need for control. How many closet OCD folks do we have here who can testify.:)

  I am not the stereotype of the obsessively cleaning OCD (bet Hubby would love that!) I deal with what I call, spiritual ocd. That is where little glitch thoughts can disrupt my mind and joy, I believe they would term it as racing thoughts. I finally confessed it to my BFF awhile back and she admitted she has these too! Hers are different racing thoughts. We noticed if we were under stress, or had emotions that would not release-it would "flair up." It was great to know I was not alone in this, that many people have their minds attacked by fear and having trouble focusing on peace from time to time.

   I guess the short story would be: my childhood was filled with fear and darkness. Something bad always happened, always at random times. I trained myself to be alert and always expect it to happen. There was no safety net. Now, I live a new life with the old training in my emotional scale, to learn to release and have joy has taken time.

    Recently during intimate time with my HOH I realized I have trouble relaxing and just enjoying, not micromanaging or worrying about the outcome on my part. There is a wall there. The next day, I tried during my prayer time to just surrender to God and wait to see what comes up. Do you know the trouble I had surrendering?

  I did an experiment leaning against a tree. I was practicing relaxing against the tree and just surrendering to the moment. If I had to guess, 40 percent of me was giving and 60 percent of me was still tense and had an agenda.

 During our last maintenance session, my HOH encouraged me to release and let go of pent up emotions. He was so encouraging. This has given me something to meditate on. I trust Father God, I trust my I not trust myself? Is that the barrier?

  Or am I trying to micromanage my curiosity for surrendering to love, too? Ha!

   I did notice the blog posted last month of a woman's journey of bootcamp was taken down. I understand why, but I wish she would have posted how her heart feels now, how she has been changed(or not) and more notes on this. I think many of us domestic discipline folks (and even just people in general) are trying to figure out the hidden walls in ourselves.

  A journey to live in the present. I will keep posting about these on going meditations. It gives food for thought on how past experiences do matter in the current environment, even when we are not focused on them. Maybe not every experience adds to something, maybe it is just the most emotional filled that shape our ability to love now.

 I give love quite freely, but I have trouble relaxing and taking in love. Hmm. Now I have thought myself into a corner. Where is a wise monk when I need him?:)


  1. Oh Mixie, my heart just breaks for you, and I think part of it is in a selfish way. My past was the same, so many bad things happened. My pastor actually told me he thought I had PTSD. I was always on alert, my discernment fine tuned to be able to tell you on the second of meeting someone if they were dangerous or not. When my pastor told me that when I learned to let go, and let others protect me, I wouldn't need that discernment, and it would eventually go away. I didn't believe him, didn't want to believe him. Isn't keeping on guard good? Isn't reading people so closely a great trait to have? I'm here to say two years later that he was right. I have allowed my friends to step up for me when I need it, I've allowed my husband to take over, and I've allowed God more room to move. It was only a month or so ago that I realized I wasn't doing it anymore. I don't know if I can give you any advice, but for me, it was sometimes just telling myself I didn't need to handle such and such a situation, and letting someone else do it for me. {{{HUGS}}} I will be praying for you, I know how hard it can be to let go, to trust, but I pray it happens. For me it started small. Just asking my husband to check the doors at night, and then FORCING myself not to go double check. And I worked from there. I would love to hear more of your journey as you process through.

    1. I agree Es May! You know the feelings of needing to manage situations to feel safe. I know that the things I have tried to manage, I could not manage-trying to take on and manage everyone's thoughts on me. I realize this was a deep wound for love. Learning to have intimacy in my relationship with God, and learning to enJOY intimacy with my husband has been surrender. I think I have had trouble feeling anyone ever really loved me, but I know that is not true! When it is finally safe to accept love, it takes awhile to get that it is for real.:) More later. Love!

  2. Mixie,

    Interesting that you speak of fear. I just finished reading a couple of books about "The Culture of Fear" that we live in and why we are so afraid. Some fears are real and others irrational, but each genuine.

    Trusting God is not always easy, but in doing so you cannot go wrong. My paster liked to say "God loves each of us as if He had no other to love, yet He loves us all the same." I have found comfort and peace in that thought.

    You are not alone. I too find it hard to "let go and let God" (another of my pasters favorite things to say) because I still catch myself trying to "explain" to God why what I am asking for is the best idea rather than simply trust that He will provide what is if He didn't know, right. Ha!

    I am so sorry to hear that your childhood was fearful. It can take a long time to overcome those negative experiences, but I wlll pray that with God's help you will find the peace that surpasses all understanding. Have a blessed day dear friend.


    1. Thank you, George!

      I appreciate the kind words and insightful thoughts. I really love that quote from your pastor. It amazes me how God worked out that I would meet my husband, that is a miracle in itself. I moved out from my Mom's at 15, had horrific abuse and situations in my life. I just decided to leave and trust God. Long story short, I married a man with a very stable family, he never skipped school, and most of his childhood stories are wonderful. He was an atheist when I met him, and he accepted Christ in 2006. Today he is a man on fire for God, and I marvel at that. I kept working on him, and I knew God would work a way.:) There are answers to prayers I get that seem years in the making.

      I have decided to keep a faith diary (like a prayer journal) I also have another notebook to record the good things I notice in each day (the blessings/and how I bless.) It helps to look back and see how much God does each day!

      Last week, I got a good taste of a feeling of fear with no evidence. Things are going pretty well, but I felt fearful and worried. I strongly feel it was spiritual warfare to get me to backslide and slow done. Keep on keeping on each day! "No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, what God has prepared for those who trust in Him..."