Cry, Dang Me!

Man, today I really wish I could cry. These tears are so close to my eyes, but will not release. I have had a tough time crying for awhile. Some years, it has been impossible. My eyes are warm and my lips quiver.

Today is bittersweet for me. On Valentine's Day, my Mom would always send me roses. Now I hear the delivery truck, and I know the roses from her are not coming. It isn't the roses, it's her. I miss her. I miss having a Mom. I miss calling someone who cares. No one cares like Mom.

My Mom and I had a hard relationship. I often said she was like the Simon Cowell of my world, but after I had my daughter she had this empathy for me. We connected.

Last year she died, a cardiac arrest while taking a bath in a friend's home. It was terrible. Cleaning up her estate was terrible. The family reaction was terrible. It was bloody awful. I wish I had a Mom to lean on, but there is no one there. I know several children who don't have Moms, and I was lucky enough to have mine for 26 years.

So I will post this blog and have a good night, with the usual fancy of this holiday. Yet, this would be around the time the truck would come, and it's so quiet. Simply the sound of the air conditioning and the dryer. An echo that life resumes.

I'm in this place in my life, where I just lost my Mom. I desire to have another child and grow our family, and HOH knows we need to complete a few things before this. So this is the patient waiting part, where I miss someone who is gone, and someone who is not even here-but feels so real and missed.

Wow, it sounds like I am really having a pity party, Just getting out some pent up emotion.

Maybe that's why sometimes I just want my HOH to spank me until tears fall free from my eyes, until I can LET GO, like a balloon flying off into the sky.