Encouraging Your Wife's Spirit

When I first began to explain to my HOH about domestic discipline, I wrote a mini book just for him "Encouraging the Sweetness In Your Wife." It was a mix of all I had learned, formatted into a long letter to explain the dynamics.

This week I can truly feel my husband carrying me when I feel faint in my spirit, soul, and body. I can't quite put my finger on it. I need a second wind, an encouragement, a new fire of courage. It is a new thing to be faithful when my emotions keep pressing me to be a meek little daisy in the corner.

This morning, I feel like a woman in labor. That point in transition, when she is about to give up, all her energy and spirit is spent. She holds on (maybe begging to be put out of her agony) before the final second wind of action comes upon her, birthing her child. It is a this point where she needs encouragement the most, when all hell is breaking loose for her. The husband tries to minister to her, as do her helpers to just hang on there...one more minute...hold on.

I know in my spirit that this must mean something good is about to happen, the tide is about to turn, it will get better.  One more day, Mixie. God gives us grace for one day at a time. What has crushed my spirit so?

  I realize my heart is yearning for my Grandma to acknowledge me and love me. It seems so unfair to be cast aside by her. As the Easter season approaches, I put my heart out again...and the small expectation of my heart that maybe this time she will return the love makes me feel faint. I find myself wondering if her church services are ministering to her heart, is God softening her heart, do I need to do this all myself? I guess I am giving her the upper hand.

  I need to remind myself that God loves me, my husband loves me, and I have enough people to bless and have fellowship each day. Even if she never looks at me again, God loves me. I can't look for love in her, the meaning and validation of myself. I guess this was the lesson of my Mom. I guess I need to remember, that maybe her heart is too broken and hardened to reach out one more time. There is a feeling in me that says" Do not punish me for the sins of my Mother! Do not make me her scapegoat."

  Ha. I have to laugh as I am getting misty eyed. I am listening to a preacher talk about" If your family had not walked out, God could not walk in." Ahh, I needed that.

"Suffering...sacrifice and struggle...."

   My husband is standing firm in understanding this moment of pain for me. It's an inner pain of the heart that cannot be easily soothed by a coffee or trip to Target. (Believe me, I have tried to cheer myself up with the usual mood boosters.) How many husbands understand how hard it is to understand your wife when there is something on her mind, holding her back?

Here is what my husband is doing for me:
Reminding me of the truth that I am loved and adored.
Not letting me backslide on all the work I have done( like running to go smoke a cigarette)
Keeping me accountable  (not letting me run around with a bad attitude and wasting the day in self pity. He still expects me to keep rising up.)
Reminding me to have fun and create, to plant wonderful things even when my emotions are attempting to stop me.
Reminding me to bless others and minister to my friends and community. Major Duh! If I want to be encouraged, I need to encourage!


My husband also fasted from food the other day...to pray for me. I was astonished and it felt so wonderful that he was willing to reach out his hand  to help me in this way. He is fasting today as well to prepare for Easter. There is something about his sacrifice that encourages me to get back on it, to keep moving forward.

Thriving married life must be two partners encouraging each other in love each day, in unity. When we are in unity, with a shared vision, this is where the mountains can move. Sometimes a spouse can get stuck inside their mind and need encouragement to stay the course. I am so thankful my husband keeps pressing me forward. He never focuses on how much I still need to improve, he helps me look at the progress I am making. At the end of the day, he reminds me that I am loved, no matter if I do anything more in my life or not. 

Until recently, I looked for my purpose in the external things. I needed validation from others to feel permission to live. I guess my Grandma is one of those folks I still yearn for validation from, but I need to remember- I am loved. It's not time to lean on the past, it's not time to lean on those who refuse to come, it's time to lean on who is here with me. Thank you, Husband, for giving me strength when I feel faint. Thank you for not giving up on me when I am not the funnest wife to be around.

Whew, this has made me feel better.  Now to work on getting out of my own mind and focusing on things not so close to my brain. Sometimes we need our viewpoint shifted, and I think I need a paradigm shift in this case.

At least Madea will always be my honorary Grandma.:)

Our Family is Hiring: Baby #2 Position

Two weeks ago, HOH took me out to a little date night dinner to discuss plans for the rest of the year. He announced what I thought he would, he's ready to leave the door open for Baby #2. We agreed to leave up to God and nature, for now. Of course, I am finding it difficult not to micromanage the process with my own little thoughts. Suddenly, having that possibility makes every twinge of my body on alert. Calm down, Mixie!

I will not test until I am late, whenever that happens. I will relax and just enjoy this time before the next chapter really begins.

It's so different having a "planned" pregnancy, I mean, my lil one now was a SURPRISE. Not like"haha surprise" but like "Holy Cow, this just got real-SURPRISE!"

My best friend and I were discussing the change between her first baby and her second. The first one, she was kind of in denial and just hung in there, producing a meaty, strong lil guy. The second was planned, worried about, and she did everything in her power to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was filled with medical emergencies before and after for several months. I find myself already worrying about the next kiddo. My first was so strong, I have joked she would have stopped at nothing to be here.

Time for a zen attitude!:)

 

Surrendering to Love is Deep Business.

Last week I realized how hard it is for me to surrender. First in my personal relationship with Father God, second to my husband. I realized the vast traumas of the past somehow cloud my longing to submit and just be, just surrender to the joy of the moment. It's easy for me to clean up the house, to say sweet things, to do kind works: but to let go of this phantom control inside me is a strange thing. What is that phantom control? I would call it Fear. Fear: the pesky under current that can keep me from evolving and enjoying my current life. I guess we are all bombarded by fear, even in suburbia. (Too be fair, I am also in the city. *chuckle*)

Fear does not care if you are rich or poor, beautiful, or any gift you may have. What can you do when you are frozen in submission to fearful thoughts?

I have been trying this new thing to me called Faith. I tried Faith before but I never knew how important is was to let of go of fear while learning to operate in faith. It does not mean a smooth ride, it is not blind luck at the gambling table, but it is strength that it is all going to work out someway, somehow.

I realized as Father God loves us, and my husband loves me, how can I receive his love fully when I nurse myself with fear? Fear has this strange way of making one feel like "everything will be okay if you cling to this and soothe yourself, if you try to control your life in this manner." Many say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is fear based and a need for control. How many closet OCD folks do we have here who can testify.:)

  I am not the stereotype of the obsessively cleaning OCD (bet Hubby would love that!) I deal with what I call, spiritual ocd. That is where little glitch thoughts can disrupt my mind and joy, I believe they would term it as racing thoughts. I finally confessed it to my BFF awhile back and she admitted she has these too! Hers are different racing thoughts. We noticed if we were under stress, or had emotions that would not release-it would "flair up." It was great to know I was not alone in this, that many people have their minds attacked by fear and having trouble focusing on peace from time to time.

   I guess the short story would be: my childhood was filled with fear and darkness. Something bad always happened, always at random times. I trained myself to be alert and always expect it to happen. There was no safety net. Now, I live a new life with the old training in my emotional scale, to learn to release and have joy has taken time.

    Recently during intimate time with my HOH I realized I have trouble relaxing and just enjoying, not micromanaging or worrying about the outcome on my part. There is a wall there. The next day, I tried during my prayer time to just surrender to God and wait to see what comes up. Do you know the trouble I had surrendering?

  I did an experiment leaning against a tree. I was practicing relaxing against the tree and just surrendering to the moment. If I had to guess, 40 percent of me was giving and 60 percent of me was still tense and had an agenda.

 During our last maintenance session, my HOH encouraged me to release and let go of pent up emotions. He was so encouraging. This has given me something to meditate on. I trust Father God, I trust my Hubby...do I not trust myself? Is that the barrier?

  Or am I trying to micromanage my curiosity for surrendering to love, too? Ha!

   I did notice the blog posted last month of a woman's journey of bootcamp was taken down. I understand why, but I wish she would have posted how her heart feels now, how she has been changed(or not) and more notes on this. I think many of us domestic discipline folks (and even just people in general) are trying to figure out the hidden walls in ourselves.

  A journey to live in the present. I will keep posting about these on going meditations. It gives food for thought on how past experiences do matter in the current environment, even when we are not focused on them. Maybe not every experience adds to something, maybe it is just the most emotional filled that shape our ability to love now.

 I give love quite freely, but I have trouble relaxing and taking in love. Hmm. Now I have thought myself into a corner. Where is a wise monk when I need him?:)

Answer Time! *with a Bonus*

Here are the 2 questions I got for March Q and A time! Thanks for Tricia and George K for submitting!

Tricia's question:

If you and your HOH could be any animal, what would you be and why?

My first answer would be: fluffy Persian housecats that have a blessed life. We have 3 cats who live pretty good, and they seem to have a nice time. *One of my cats looks like a Persian Grumpy Cat!* To cuddle and snooze all day would be fine with me.

My HOH chose a Donkey for giggle reasons. We saw a donkey hiding behind a tree trunk at the zoo, and it looked like he had a long rope chained on him. Umm, it was not a rope. We were going he looked embarrassed (or maybe creepy) aroused behind the tree. It also explained to us: hung like a donkey. I quipped it looked like my HOH when I am ignoring him. *hahaha*

The Second Question is from George K:
Hi Mixie.

I have two questions. First, if Hollywood were to make a movie of your life, who would you pick to play you? Second, do you play a musical instrument or did you in school?

Answer: If Hollywood made a movie of my life, I am guessing the role of me would go to either Jenna Fisher (Pam of The Office) or Ellen Page from Juno.
 I was voted to look like I would play the role of a "helper, nurse, caregiver, or Mom" in acting school.  I'm short, kinda clumsy, quirky and sweet(except on my bad days!) I also have a habit of being too passive and having a dry wit sense of humor. The role of me would have to go to someone who can communicate my essence: a girl who tries hard, is hard on herself, sometimes anxious, and gets herself into pickles and can have high ideals. Someone who can fire off one liners. Ellen Page would work great for the tough to pin down age in me (my daughter's friends started a rumor I am her sister!) Course, I see a couple lines around my eyes, so maybe my character is aging!:)

Votes for my husband's character: Steve Carrell or John Gransinki "Jim" from the Office.  Steve reminds me a lot of my HOH...maybe just the clean cut aspect of him.


I played the flute in school. I wanted to play bagpipes but my family told me No (and it was not an option.) My Mom wanted me to play the flute, but I was too terrified to play solo...so I was last chair because of my stage fright during testing. I was also in choir and went to college for Theatre.

Bonus Answer:

My question: Where did I meet my HOH?

Answer: We worked in a grocery store when I was 19 and he was 18. I noticed him the first day I worked there. He seemed so nice to everyone. I thought surely he must have all the girls swooning. I went home the first day and kinda cried he would never notice me. Flash forward a year of getting up the courage to speak to him, cultivating a friendship, and admitting to my crush by kissing him-and we finally became a pair. It was a love at first sight experience for me. I spent much of that year wishing on stars and praying to God he would notice me (I figured he deserved someone much more together than me!)

March is Question and Answer time!

Before March finishes off, I'd like to take the time to participate in March Question and Answer Month! If you'd like to submit a question, leave it in the comments and I will be happy to respond.

Lines (Writing)

I have joined the Lines club (assuming there is some club for this) with our domestic discipline marriage. I suggested them to Hub's after my last shopping spree. I use the term shopping spree in context, my idea of a shopping spree is Target, not anything upper crust. However, it did create enough tightness in our first of the month paycheck to feel the squeeze. Lines are repetitive, crampy, and make a girl feel foolish. It did help me to think about the cause and effect of what I did. I cherish those lines, because it was quite a bit of time devoted to my setback. There is nothing to show for that time but the lines. I got disciplined after the shopping spree, but asked HOH to discipline me AGAIN once we did the budget and I could feel the guilt for what I had done creep back. Normally after a discipline all is forgiven and one is not punished again for the same offense, but the guilt bit me in the bottom.

All in all:
Shopping spree $184
Full discipline paddling, etc
Corner time twice
200 lines

My guilt discipline paddling set
1 more corner time
20 more lines to remind me not to spend on a free day.

The budget is created to handle our money and get closer to our goals, to live in peace with our money and without added stress. It only works if I hold to the budget. Anywho, I know I am behind in responding to comments...thank you for the love while I was sick!:) I will get to it this weekend.:)

My Overzealous Flower Garden

Whoops, there it went.

Today I found myself at Lowe's getting flowers and garden stuff. Did I tell HOH? No. Do I love to garden? Yes. A little too much.

I am one of these girls who gets super excited and idealistic, partner that with my sentiment for yesterday and it can be huge.

I remember gardening with my Mom, one of the rare good feelings of childhood. She would be peaceful. I would feel the cool earth between my bare feet, the cold water of the hose. She always had a knack to pick out beautiful flowers beyond my gifts.

This is the first spring she has passed on. The flowers called to me, edging me to take on my role and where Mom's had been. I had to get the annuals, the tomatoes, the herbs, the snap dragons....

So many things in my life died last year. With the grief of her, I think most of my old garden went with it. Now is a new, promising time. A testimony of how God has worked during the darkest times for new life and prosperity. See what I mean about me being all Hallmark like?

I should have gotten less. Now, I feel selfish. I reasoned I would invite more folks over to enjoy the garden, now I feel like I should give a few pieces to my neighbors. Seriously. There is a fella in Brazil trying to build one room shacks for the kids there, and here I am, Miss Flowers everywhere.

So, I don't want my over enthusiasm to sour the garden, but I know my HOH will hold me to the "no surprise shopping sprees" rule. I need him to.He already got very firm and HOH like on the text" I want you to have nice things, but we talked about these surprises."

Plus, I am behind on the business I needed to do today, and just gave myself a lot more to care for. Hope I like gardening this much, HOH will have my bum if the plants get neglected!

I have uploaded a photo of the red ones, as I have a feeling something on me will match it soon.

At least my cat is royally enjoying the catnip.:)

Update on My Attitude Adjustment*I was a BRAT*

Okay, so Sunday I was feeling stressed (about doing dishes, of all things.) It was closing in on the 48 hour mark of quitting smoking. Hubby said  "lets what until after lunch to start the dishwasher."

Awe, Hell Naw.

"It's already full! If you wanna try to jam more in there, be my guest! I like my dishes clean and not not crammed in!"

Oh my.Total Jerk tone. I was that nasty wife in that moment. I knew I blew it, I knew I needed to be re-set. I should have told him that I was getting too antsy and needed a moment.

I felt so guilty afterwards. I said I was sorry for being a jerk, and explained why I made that mistake.

When we had private time, he calmly took me back for my spanking. I expressed a need to be re-set, and I am really glad he knew I needed it. Plus, he was a little mad his wife was being such a jerk.

"We are not nasty with each other like that!" He explained while I was over his knee.

My Mom and Dad fought. There was no telling her anything. I loved my Mom, Lord rest her soul. However, she could fight with the best of 'em. I don't want to be a nagging, brat wife. Seriously.

He told me afterwards that he had no issue with spanking me for this offense. When I was in the kitchen, he wanted to bend me over and paddle me right there.

For those of you just getting to know this blog, my HOH has always been a gentle type. He had to be talked into this whole spanking deal. I would consider this urge of his a major success.

72 hours post smoking!

Oh, and if you comment on my blog, if I haven't added your blog to my list-it's because I am usually confused about Blogger. Kindly leave your blog addy in the comments and I will get to reading. Love posting and sharing.

So tomorrow I should get my paddle. Darn President's Day holding up the mail! I wanna see the sucker!:)
 

I Told My Cousin Our "Secret"!

So, in my quest to quit smoking, maybe I was a little more open than usual. My cousin and I were texting, and she is also a black sheep of the family. Oddly, my entire family are like black sheep, but some are more black than others.-Yeah, unfair family drama that holds bitterness for a long time.-

So I can trust her in our fellowship of being cast aside. I could trust her before that, but there is even more of a bond now.


Paraphrased Text Chat:
Me: I have been thinking, Grandpa should have spanked Grandma. Wonder if he did. Goodness knows she needed it. So stubborn! Just like Great Grandma....

Cousin: (not texting back fast enough for my comfort)

Me: It could be like 50 Shades of *insert family last name here*

Cousin: BAHAHA, yes, that's priceless. I am still cracking up. 50 Shades!

Me: You know, all the women in our family tend to be really stubborn. My Mom needed someone to chill her out.

Cousin. Yeah, I wonder if Grandpa ever did to Grandma.

Me: This may be TMI, but I ASK *hoh name* to spank me when I get really stressed. It so helps out. Truly. How else do you think I handle stress?

Cousin: *no texts for a minute.* 

Of course I mildly panic about how this could have been taken. Instead, she asks a bunch of questions! :) It really helps you de-stress? You ask for it? It helps your libido? How is that?

I didn't fully go into the whole domestic discipline plan, but did send her a link to a short story on Amazon regarding Domestic Discipline that writes it out in a loving fashion. She loved 50 Shades of Grey (I never read it.) The story I sent her to check out is not to hardcore, has values and true love in the store. Something to ease you into it.

She expressed that her hubby would look at her odd if she asked for it. Course, I would assume after reading 50 Shades a wife could ask her husband to do new things and use that as the reason! Yet, I KNOW when I first told HOH I was very nervous and embarrassed. We are very frank with each other, but somehow asking your HOH to hold you accountable and spank you to solve disputes is a TON different than suggesting something new sexually speaking.

I highlighted for her how all the women in our family have been high stressed, high wired types. We just are. Anxiety runs in the family tree. The women are not chilling, surfer chicks. Actually, I think I'm pretty down to earth and laid back, but I hold in a ton of internal stress and get anxious. We are the worry worts your Papa warned you about.

For the record, I have been working on not worrying.:) Someone told me a couple weeks ago that "Fear is Perverted Faith" and I get it.

If I was an HOH and my wife came to me and said," Hey, you know how you could help me not be a basketcase Chicken Little? Spank me when I get like that," I would love it. Yet I know my HOH was a little skeptic. It seemed opposite of what he heard his whole life, what society says, etc.

The results have spoken for themselves. Our marriage is back on track and our family is moving forward. I find myself more liberated NOW then I did, when I tried to handle everything by myself and kept my walls up.

So I stressed to her
-this was my choice
-it helps me
-I trust HOH fully, otherwise I'd never consent to this.
-we are communicating much better

I will let the amazon story tell the rest of it. I would point her to this blog, but judging that I just bought a new paddle, I don't want to scare the poor girl! LOL

I consider my lil confession a success. Hopefully, it will help her.:) Obviously, I am not trying to convert her, but I feel passionate and happy with my DD marriage!