Silent Spanking Cream Review

So the other day my hubby was wayyy sick. (No details needed.) When I went to the store to get him the RX and treated? myself to some Silent Spanking Cream, aka Capsaicin Cream. I had read how much it burned, and after a quick fingertip sample of it decided it worked fine. Really mild feeling.

(Applies a generous amount to my own bum.)

My bottom is on fire. Like the worst paddling times ten? Happy it worked so effective, embarrassed this was my excitement for the day, and curious.

Due to my short attention span, I managed to scratch my nose, eye, and ahem private area while not knowing I still had cream on. That...was not cool.

That night I admitted my adventure to my hubby, who was curious and alarmed at my activities of the day. He was concerned with the burning lotion spreading around on sheets, etc.

That being said, I am sure he will find some use for it, someday. After all, isn't that way holiday drama is all about?:)

Way to not update, Mixie

Yargh. Where have I been? My apologies. I've been fine, scatterbrained, and tired.:) The pregnancy is going really swell except for heartburn, holy heartburn. Some charlie horses.(Wow, does that feel like the ultimate punishment.) In the grand scheme of things, it's all grand and I'm very thankful. If anyone was worried, all is okay.:) Sorry.

So where have I been? Well, reading my kindle in my spare time but trying to keep on trucking each day with getting stuff done. I see the squirrels outside and they remind me not to put things off until the last moment. At least, that's what I think they are doing.:)

November will be one year since I even heard of the term domestic discipline, which I credit towards changing my priorities. Seriously, I look at how many things I distracted myself with ahead of my family, and I realize now how I didn't need those things.

My main things lately has been overriding hubby on what he asks our family to do, I'm the spoiler with the weak will in the family. I have spent a bit too much on random grocery trips. I realize most of my marriage whoops happen when I'm tired and just wanna call it a day. I'm working on it.

We are squeezing in date nights and adult conversations as time permits.  I'm avoiding letting myself go into wearing xxl mens shirts as I did with my first pregnancy. That's about it for now. So be assured, if I don't post I'm probably snoozing soundly on a pillow....I have not vanished into cyberspace.:)

Looking forward to hearing from my buddies if I am still on your reading list.

Mixie :)

So I guess I should share....

Gah, this is so difficult to spill the beans on my blog. I have not been a very energetic and giggly Mixie lately, the cleaning is behind and man, forget cooking. Yes, I am pregnant. Ha, so hands down I have sympathy for my husband as he is really picking up the slack with my tired self and near daily headaches.

Does it change our dynamics? Yes. I have to put myself in a positive mindset and it takes more effort to be motivated. Plus, I am not feeling normal sexy right now. *Something about passing out at 10 pm and all the body changes does that.*

However, this pregnancy seems much more romantic and at ease. Less of a need to spend a huge amount of time preparing, and more go with the flow.

I'm in the early part of my second trimester. I have to say, my heart goes out to everyone I know who have fertility and pregnancy obstacles. Seriously. My one friend is trying to finalize an adoption from Russia, which should have been finished right before all the chaos went down on banning adoptions. They just want their baby.

So this post is dedicated to anyone who has faced obstacles in pregnancy, fertility, and the like. My hats off to you and I give you hugs and love. *HUGGGGG right here* *Extra squeeze*

I have to credit the work we have done in the last several months on our marriage that allowed another pregnancy to happen. We really needed to get on the same page and have a mutual vision. There is a higher amount of respect and devotion we have to each other, it's more intentional and focused.

Of course, I would not describe myself as focused right at the moment!:) Time to finish that pile of laundry and vacuum the floor. May I need to make myself a chore list ....

Like I predicted?

You know when you just have a feeling something is off with a situation? I guess that sums up my Mom in Laws visit. There was me needing to behave, not getting my nerves up. When MIL is happy, all is great. However, she can pack an intimidating punch when things go South.

Despite our best efforts, things did go south. Apparently, she is having major boyfriend drama and it is pulling her into a tizzy. She shut down completely while here, not speaking and not participating. Of course, as the daughter in law it made me feel like she hated me. I had to remind myself this was just her way of processing things.

She just went home. I have a monster headache from picking up on all the tension one could slice with a knife. Holding all that stress created exhaustion in me. I snapped at HOH a few times. I mean, having someone stay with you who will not even utter a word makes me cringe.

Now to take care of this aftermath headache and make it up to HOH. At least it's over.

Behave, Self!

So I was a little grouchy this morning....err major grouchy. I let my stressed side show and HOH warned me that I'm already on final warning. Guess I needed to lose my marbles before company comes over. The fireworks show before the fireworks. Yargh.

Time to make some finishing touches before company comes over. I have already been put on notice not to play on my phone too much when company is over. I try not to. Better keep it away as much as possible!

Now to hide anything that screams embarrassing.

My worst habits (acoustic version)

So this submission thing works grand when I'm not feeling my own inner wheels turning. Just found out I will have my HOH's family staying with us for four days starting tomorrow. Ermagerd.

  I like them, love em. Guess my major stickler is I'm kinda the chick that needs moments of privacy. Plus, I feel the pressure of having everything right falls on my shoulders. And I am so imperfect.

So, dropped several hints I will need something tonight to help sooth me for the next four days. Take it easy, Mixie, it's a good thing. I kinda agreed to this thing to make HOH and his family happy, not that I felt good and ready.

Even still, I find myself with a fresh copy of Southern Living plopped on the table in an attempt to seem more domestically inclined than I am. I wonder if other women buy these magazines for that same effect of I have plans to rock this house. Really, I swear I do.

Can I admit something on here? I think I'm a tad lazy. Or distracted. I keep up with the house but would not consider myself an A lister, more like a diamond in the rough. I grew up in a....challenged home with gas station goodies for dinner. This whole thing has been a challenge to learn all by myself. Wow, first world problems.

  I have been working on my first spanking romance I hope to release on kindle when it's ready to birth. Not a story of true domestic discipline, elements of it. Being a romance it plays with the concepts rather than marries them. Also, I have read the majority of domestic discipline romances on kindle that are not deemed God awful by reviewers, and I'm kind of getting bored searching for fresh material, so I find myself writing this story.

  I find myself just wanting to work on the story, being pulled back into real life as need be. There is a point in writing fiction where the characters become real, you want to keep writing until the whole thing is finished.

I have written before, three almost finished novels. One was Christian based, and while good, I think I tried too hard to stay in the concepts of what would be appropriate for Christian fiction, another is a supernatural thriller and parts got so intense I shelved it, another read as a Nora Roberts attempt.

My biggest hurdle with writing is creating true problems for my characters in novels. I want so bad for their love to blossom, I find it hard to give them real obstacles. Hence, it will need me to stretch myself. I am proud that I'm finally writing again, which was my hope for our new home. To write for the sheer love of doing so, that's my intent.

May you find something that births your passion. It does not need to render money or fame, but something to flicker your soul. :)

Wish me luck to stay grounded the next 4 days!

New Home, Fresh Outlook.

Ahh, we are in a fresh home. The apartment was like a shaggy coat that showed the timeline of the last few years. I was super thankful for the apartment, but I felt so condensed. Since my Mom's passing that kind of left a mark on the thing, leaving pieces of her life scattered in my identity. I finally came to the conclusion to part with most things, but keep what is most dear to me. What did not fill me with bittersweet sadness of her trials in life. That's is not now, not her present. I don't understand what transition from life as we know it is truly, but I have faith the energy continues on.

  Since moving, my mind has been churning to continue the dynamic of our relationship roles. My HOH is not the most naturally of dominating of a guy, but there is security in his leadership and my submission. A feeling that I don't have to figure everything out. On a basic level, he is the more calm person in the relationship, so I trust his diplomatic leadership. It is all very balanced and mild, basically the quest to be on the same page. I admit our communication has really changed, less walls between us.

I'm melting into this new home,  eager to put my best foot forward to lighten up and enjoy the simple pleasures of day to day life. To be thankful to snuggle, to eat meals together, to *enjoy* cleaning-to give myself patience to enjoy the present.

  It's all about releasing for me, releasing and allowing.

Gotta go, I have been called to the dinner table! Oye!:)

Welcome Back!

Can I welcome myself back to my own blog? Hee.

   I am posting via cell phone as I usually post on my laptop, but have not turned the thing on in a long time.

  Big news has been a flutter in our home, lots of change going on. I have been trying to discard anything that makes me unhappy from my possessions. I realize, for whatever reason, I have been the dumping ground or giving ground for many folks discarded items. Not to mention enough stuff from my past on Mother, who suffered from hoarding. I realize carrying too many things leads me to feeling stressed and feeling the guilt of the stories of some items. I am thankful for what I have, but trying to lighten the load.

  My husband and I have been great. Still practicing domestic discipline. My biggest challenges are those slight moody moments and getting behind in the house. The moods usually come from (stress duh) but also bottled up feelings about the past.

In going thru old journals of mine, I have realized how....I have never allowed myself to be as happy as I could be. When Mom was alive, I carried the emotional weight. When she died, I carried the guilt for her for some time. Spiritually, I think she is no longer bound to the rules of this world, our society. She died with unfinished business to the world, but it is finished. This thought has freed me so much differently then my family, who holds this idea that she is still frozen in the last years of her life. All the usual well meaning death cliches that somehow comfort and bruise at the same time.

  After beginning domestic discipline with my husband, I have found myself much more solid in his arms. It reminds me to stay present in the now of our relationship. I think we have much more active respect for each other, as well as a tearing down of the emotional walls.

  I would be the chatty one in the relationship, but even the chatty ones can have the biggest walls inside. Think about it. Do we talk for comfort? For sheer need to control the direction of our lives?

  I ripped up the journals and threw them away. It's not stuff I imagine my kids wanting to know someday. Being that I have handled my Mom's things, I am more sensitive now to eventually over burden them with stuff. Anyone who has been on this path knows how the tiniest thing becomes a emotional debate to part with, every piece of costume jewelry and note.

  The last couple nights my dreams have worked out the feelings I have about my extended family. In each one, there is a reference to them gossiping about me. Do you ever have a dream that wakes up in a mood? I have had to apologize to my hubby for waking up in moods after those dreams. He reminds me that if I think I am overpowered for the day in the morning, I will feel that way all day.

As synchronicity has it, Lady Gaga 's Marry the Night is playing in the background. If you have never watched her entire video for it, it describes self empowerment perfectly. All about dusting off your boots and trying again...as we all do each day.:)

   I have craved a spanking after such a time of self reflection, somehow...it helps me process it all.

Monday Bluffin'

I have tried to see today as a sacred day, changing the usual Monday stereotypes of what a Monday should be. I made it my mission today to not complain about anything. My focus lately has been on being thankful.

It's been pretty nice.

Listened to the first half of Clint and Chelsea's new podcast from www.learningdd.com. Can I just say how excited I am that they are podcasting? Seriously. What a treat!

I will leave you with some Monday Funnies.

My apologies for being out of the loop in bloggy land. Will be reading and commenting!

Much Appreciation!
Mixie

Grounding Myself.

Wow, what a time to live in, right? It's so exciting, so terrifying, so...busy with an abundance of life. I have found how necessary and essential it is for me to "ground myself". Of the various things I do to quiet my mind and soul, one surprising one is getting a paddling. Sometimes when I feel overly emotional, I find getting a spanking helps me clear my mind and sleep fantastic. Sometimes I do feel a little more tired the morning after.

Other things I do for grounding myself:
-deep cleaning and clutter release
-tackling one small project
-a nice bath(I love sea salt)
-leaning on a tree, hanging out in nature,
-writing my thoughts in a private journal
-doing something to LAUGH
-paying attention to nature cues
-lighting a candle/prayer
-wearing a color that feels cozy to me, or my favorite jacket.
-connecting with my husband, or calling a good friend/family member to joke around with
-passion is good
-food is good. Something healthy and wholesome will really help.
-helping someone out, reaching out to others.
-time with pets

Things that get me off balance
-spending time worrying or embracing fears (major duh)
-letting my mind become too cluttered
-letting my space become too cluttered
-procrastination
-too much caffeine
-putting myself on the "back burner" habitually
 
-first world problem: too much time devoted to news or social media.
-now getting quiet time
-taking on too many tasks.
-being in people pleasing mode



I am SURE we all can identify to much on this list. What do you do to get back to peaceful mode? I generally TRY to be in a content mood before making any big choices. I think we must work on keeping balanced especially in stressful times.:)

I forgot the most important one that helps everyday: being thankful.

Powerfully Led.

The last few weeks I have been coming into a more liberated experience. Dropping the emotional baggage and releasing the "stuff." It swings from low self worth to total acceptance and breathing new life into my soul. An inner soul spring cleaning.

The other side of that new self empowerment is swinging the balance onto rebel territory. It's that feeling of being so empowered I rely so much on myself and as a result, have been a tad rebellious towards my dear husband.

As I am finding my new balance, he reminds me to trust in him and not get into the habit of trying to do everything myself. Last night I got a discipline session to remember the balance of trusting each other. We decided he would lead the family, and again, I try to take the wheel. That I not try to control everything. *What can be controlled anyway?*

 Finding balance as we evolve. Remembering that this is a Unity thing and not a solo act.

 I have to give thanks for the other awesome domestic discipline and TTWD blogs I read. They help inspire me even in my most rebellious moments. I remember the reason we began is to be on the same page in our marriage, with no division.

Thank you bloggy friends!

Identity...Part 1.

Wow, what can I say? I have been working on a 180 degree turnaround of my thoughts and views on things. Honestly, after last year I got into a mode of expecting bad things to happen. In a way that fear laced up my spine all the time, creating a feeling of panic.

  I have come to realize that one of my life's lessons is:
Unconditional Love.

 For each person in my family or life that walked out, it gave me abandonment issues. It made me walk on eggshells to keep the current folks, and pine for the old ones that are not speaking with me. I realize now I must love who is here and give myself permission to not need everyone's approval.

  Somehow in my life, I got this habit of needing to be right with everyone possible to feel right. I have realized that "Normal" is just an viewpoint. What is Normal to someone in the West might be crazy to someone in the far East.

More later, HOH is calling us to the table.:)

I am getting happier by the day letting go of some of these rules I have created for myself regarding my relationships with people.

Who is DH? meme

Just who is DH?

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?

The Office or Raising Hope. We rarely watch tv. We do like youtube stuff.

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?

Only house italian or the like.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink, what does he order?

     Usually water! Sometimes a soda if he is feeling spendy.:)

5. Where did he go to high school?

      A public one.

    

6. What size shoe does he wear?

     10?

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?

    Exotic cars.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?

Pastrami on rye from a jewish deli.

9. What would this person eat every day if he could?

  Fresh bread.

10. What is his favorite cereal?

Anything paired with coffee.

11. What would he never wear?

   tight skinny jeans

12. What is his favorite sports team?

     Formula 1.

13.Who did he vote for?

     *blank*

14. Who is his best friend?

     A childhood friend,

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?

      Loaded question!:)

16. What is his heritage?

     Italian, Irish, Greek,

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday:

     Cheesecake. Now he is craving it.:)

18. Did he play sports in high school?

     competitive computer programming.

19. What could he spend hours doing?

     Sitting in peace.

20. What is one unique talent he has?

      Excessive patience.

Confuzzled.

Sigh. I really need to get back on track.

I have not been feeling very submissive lately. In fact, I have been rolling with my feelings. I realize I feel everything, it's hard for me NOT to put my feelings into decision making.

I guess the really confusing part is being presented with things that I am pretty certain I was led to not do anymore. Things related around my little career path. Everyday two or three things are coming up to nudge me back. Am I gonna go around the same mountain again?

A fork in the road. There is no clear "yes" or "no" that I sensing. Maybe I just need to have a heart to heart with my HOH how very confusing this is.

Hmm, okay: fresh thought. If I am honest with myself, I have felt isolated from Father God and my HOH while these opportunities have come back to the surface. The opportunity so clearly seems brimming with networking opportunities and having that zing purpose...at least on the outside. Yet I walked away from it for a reason, and the reason was-I felt isolated from God and my HOH while I did it.

Do I do what seems easy and brimming with encouragement? Do I be patient and remember I was being led to something else?

Everyday, I need to have peace with my faith relationship and my marriage. Everything else will work itself out.

Ahhh, the walk of faith and belief can be so confusing sometimes. Course, I must make it much harder than it has to be with my thinking.

Time for honest chats with HOH and prayer. Time to not move forward until there is peace in this situation. Tempting fruit from the same old vine!

It's not about the talent/gift/skill. It's about the content. That is what makes all the difference. I process things when I write, so this post seems all over the place-this is why!:)

Nip It In The Bud!

After my Mom passed away, I kind of saw my marriage on a shelf. There was not a lot of passion in me, or peaceful thinking. I was struggling, and try as I may, treated my beautiful HOH more like a roommate than anything. I know, it's awful to confess this. I do credit Learning Domestic Discipline www.learningdd.com with giving us renewed passion and commitment in our marriage. It helped me get my spunk back.

Recently, a very close friend of mine in my "inner circle" confessed to me how upset she is at her husband. Long story short, they are a young couple who are both business professionals with young kids and not a ton of time to think.

She feels neglected. She asks for help and then yells for it. He blanks and forgets, always with work dancing in his mind. She feels like there is no true intimacy or communication in their marriage.

That is the danger zone.

I have been there when my own marriage was just superficial communication of the day to day, never getting to the heart of the matter. I admit, those were mostly my own walls and distractions. I tried to give her advice to get the ball rolling. Course, it's really hard to figure out to how to get inside a man's mind when you are not a guy yourself.

My HOH suggested that she needed to make an emotional plea of what she needed, to sit down without distractions. I suggested he needs visual reminders of what she needs on the action level. (Sometimes verbal requests are quickly drowned out.)

After about 20 texts messages, I did throw out a sassy" You should just spank him." Inner joke. However, my dear friends are just experiencing the demands of suburban life and needing to see the battle plan of how to make life work.

I am not perfect by any means. I can only say where setting my priorities straight and staying accountable have helped us, and it's always a work in progress. Where there is little communication in the marriage,  I can only think of one thing. What would Barney Fife say?

"Nip it in the Bud!" 

I will keep thinking of the right advice for her. Any others have suggestions?

Sunday Hugs!

Feeling Much Better

My apologies for the last couple posts being very deep. Thankfully, it seems I am getting back into my usual sassy Mixie mode.

This morning I woke up a little YARGH. Last night, we got to bed very late and there was no time to talk to my HOH or do anything. *Nothing like falling asleep on the couch with something on my mind.* So this morning I woke up a little tired and gave it the old Saturday grumpy show.

So I got some stress relief/adjustment in the closet, until my attitude and emotions relaxed.  My hubby and lil girl are busy napping, so I wrote this with my cat next to me. Want to wake them up soon so we can do something fun today!

I will leave you with a light hearted funny.:)

Encouraging Your Wife's Spirit

When I first began to explain to my HOH about domestic discipline, I wrote a mini book just for him "Encouraging the Sweetness In Your Wife." It was a mix of all I had learned, formatted into a long letter to explain the dynamics.

This week I can truly feel my husband carrying me when I feel faint in my spirit, soul, and body. I can't quite put my finger on it. I need a second wind, an encouragement, a new fire of courage. It is a new thing to be faithful when my emotions keep pressing me to be a meek little daisy in the corner.

This morning, I feel like a woman in labor. That point in transition, when she is about to give up, all her energy and spirit is spent. She holds on (maybe begging to be put out of her agony) before the final second wind of action comes upon her, birthing her child. It is a this point where she needs encouragement the most, when all hell is breaking loose for her. The husband tries to minister to her, as do her helpers to just hang on there...one more minute...hold on.

I know in my spirit that this must mean something good is about to happen, the tide is about to turn, it will get better.  One more day, Mixie. God gives us grace for one day at a time. What has crushed my spirit so?

  I realize my heart is yearning for my Grandma to acknowledge me and love me. It seems so unfair to be cast aside by her. As the Easter season approaches, I put my heart out again...and the small expectation of my heart that maybe this time she will return the love makes me feel faint. I find myself wondering if her church services are ministering to her heart, is God softening her heart, do I need to do this all myself? I guess I am giving her the upper hand.

  I need to remind myself that God loves me, my husband loves me, and I have enough people to bless and have fellowship each day. Even if she never looks at me again, God loves me. I can't look for love in her, the meaning and validation of myself. I guess this was the lesson of my Mom. I guess I need to remember, that maybe her heart is too broken and hardened to reach out one more time. There is a feeling in me that says" Do not punish me for the sins of my Mother! Do not make me her scapegoat."

  Ha. I have to laugh as I am getting misty eyed. I am listening to a preacher talk about" If your family had not walked out, God could not walk in." Ahh, I needed that.

"Suffering...sacrifice and struggle...."

   My husband is standing firm in understanding this moment of pain for me. It's an inner pain of the heart that cannot be easily soothed by a coffee or trip to Target. (Believe me, I have tried to cheer myself up with the usual mood boosters.) How many husbands understand how hard it is to understand your wife when there is something on her mind, holding her back?

Here is what my husband is doing for me:
Reminding me of the truth that I am loved and adored.
Not letting me backslide on all the work I have done( like running to go smoke a cigarette)
Keeping me accountable  (not letting me run around with a bad attitude and wasting the day in self pity. He still expects me to keep rising up.)
Reminding me to have fun and create, to plant wonderful things even when my emotions are attempting to stop me.
Reminding me to bless others and minister to my friends and community. Major Duh! If I want to be encouraged, I need to encourage!


My husband also fasted from food the other day...to pray for me. I was astonished and it felt so wonderful that he was willing to reach out his hand  to help me in this way. He is fasting today as well to prepare for Easter. There is something about his sacrifice that encourages me to get back on it, to keep moving forward.

Thriving married life must be two partners encouraging each other in love each day, in unity. When we are in unity, with a shared vision, this is where the mountains can move. Sometimes a spouse can get stuck inside their mind and need encouragement to stay the course. I am so thankful my husband keeps pressing me forward. He never focuses on how much I still need to improve, he helps me look at the progress I am making. At the end of the day, he reminds me that I am loved, no matter if I do anything more in my life or not. 

Until recently, I looked for my purpose in the external things. I needed validation from others to feel permission to live. I guess my Grandma is one of those folks I still yearn for validation from, but I need to remember- I am loved. It's not time to lean on the past, it's not time to lean on those who refuse to come, it's time to lean on who is here with me. Thank you, Husband, for giving me strength when I feel faint. Thank you for not giving up on me when I am not the funnest wife to be around.

Whew, this has made me feel better.  Now to work on getting out of my own mind and focusing on things not so close to my brain. Sometimes we need our viewpoint shifted, and I think I need a paradigm shift in this case.

At least Madea will always be my honorary Grandma.:)

Our Family is Hiring: Baby #2 Position

Two weeks ago, HOH took me out to a little date night dinner to discuss plans for the rest of the year. He announced what I thought he would, he's ready to leave the door open for Baby #2. We agreed to leave up to God and nature, for now. Of course, I am finding it difficult not to micromanage the process with my own little thoughts. Suddenly, having that possibility makes every twinge of my body on alert. Calm down, Mixie!

I will not test until I am late, whenever that happens. I will relax and just enjoy this time before the next chapter really begins.

It's so different having a "planned" pregnancy, I mean, my lil one now was a SURPRISE. Not like"haha surprise" but like "Holy Cow, this just got real-SURPRISE!"

My best friend and I were discussing the change between her first baby and her second. The first one, she was kind of in denial and just hung in there, producing a meaty, strong lil guy. The second was planned, worried about, and she did everything in her power to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was filled with medical emergencies before and after for several months. I find myself already worrying about the next kiddo. My first was so strong, I have joked she would have stopped at nothing to be here.

Time for a zen attitude!:)

 

Full Moon Fever

Today is the Full Moon, try as I might to not blame the moon for my moody morning, I have tried.:)

  Last night I rolled around in an electric state of non-sleep. My diet has changed so late night caffeine has been triggering me. I woke up with a tense mood, emotional and feeling stressed. I communicated this to my HOH without giving a big show, and he promptly gave me the time I needed. Ha, how many husbands go into work late because their brides need emergency maintenance?

I realized later today that is my hidden expectations and fears that came into that wave of Wednesday emotions. Almost one year since Mom died. Grandma doesn't contact me, although I wrote her another heartfelt Easter letter. Not to mention HOH and I are letting God and nature take it's course with having another baby. Ha, I realize very little of this is in my control. How I manage what happens(my reactions) in each of these relationships does.

  I find creating something helps me not worry so much about things, I need to create more, work on a project just for fun. I played Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun for my daughter today and realized I just haven't been a sassy as I once was. Maybe I haven't given myself the opportunity to enjoy life and express it. I think I've always scored as a "need to create to feel fulfilled" personality.

Hmm, the somberness of last year, the focus on living with more wisdom and maturity the last few months, maybe I just need to spend time with my Dad and get that genetic wit flowing again. Hmm, maybe I  will begin to write again.

My former screenwriting teacher used to say "Not for Nothing," I think I am finally grasping this whole year has been a lesson in what "Not for Nothing" might mean for me.

The Past 12 Months:
-had a parent pass with a ton of emotional baggage to clean up and sort, and every level and every relationship
-worked on 3 different podcasts, including my own
-had to find a backbone which I possibly never used before
-walked away from a whole little career because I didn't feel God wanted me in it, as least not what I was doing
-began domestic discipline and became so close with my hubby like never before
-In November told God that whatever I needed to leave behind for the sake of my relationship with Him and my marriage, I would honor.
-stopped smoking since having it be a stronghold for years( I realized this was a crutch for me to sooth myself and a spiritual struggle)
-was "blacklisted" by my family for their feelings regarding my Mom's passing, despite my pleading for love. I always tried to be the good, mild mannered family member. My Mom would scream at all of them. When she passed, there was so much emotion no one knew where to put anything. I realize my Grandma's rejection of me feels an awful lot like my Mother's rejection of me in childhood.
-realized my people pleasing attitude truly doesn't solve many issues and creates much more. In the beginning of DD, we spent the first few months working on this.

Ha! No wonder I haven't felt very light! Lots of deep searching. Seriously, the last 12 months have been the most bittersweet, and the most joyful and meaningful. All this growth is not something I would have ever asked for, but something I needed, in some way.

I guess the all these experiences were truly Not For Nothing!:)

My life has done a 180 in the same body. Everything is looking up. I have faith all will work out with Grandma, her heart will soften to me eventually. No one was the enemy here. I will just keep doing the best I can each day, and see what comes of it.

 

Surrendering to Love is Deep Business.

Last week I realized how hard it is for me to surrender. First in my personal relationship with Father God, second to my husband. I realized the vast traumas of the past somehow cloud my longing to submit and just be, just surrender to the joy of the moment. It's easy for me to clean up the house, to say sweet things, to do kind works: but to let go of this phantom control inside me is a strange thing. What is that phantom control? I would call it Fear. Fear: the pesky under current that can keep me from evolving and enjoying my current life. I guess we are all bombarded by fear, even in suburbia. (Too be fair, I am also in the city. *chuckle*)

Fear does not care if you are rich or poor, beautiful, or any gift you may have. What can you do when you are frozen in submission to fearful thoughts?

I have been trying this new thing to me called Faith. I tried Faith before but I never knew how important is was to let of go of fear while learning to operate in faith. It does not mean a smooth ride, it is not blind luck at the gambling table, but it is strength that it is all going to work out someway, somehow.

I realized as Father God loves us, and my husband loves me, how can I receive his love fully when I nurse myself with fear? Fear has this strange way of making one feel like "everything will be okay if you cling to this and soothe yourself, if you try to control your life in this manner." Many say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is fear based and a need for control. How many closet OCD folks do we have here who can testify.:)

  I am not the stereotype of the obsessively cleaning OCD (bet Hubby would love that!) I deal with what I call, spiritual ocd. That is where little glitch thoughts can disrupt my mind and joy, I believe they would term it as racing thoughts. I finally confessed it to my BFF awhile back and she admitted she has these too! Hers are different racing thoughts. We noticed if we were under stress, or had emotions that would not release-it would "flair up." It was great to know I was not alone in this, that many people have their minds attacked by fear and having trouble focusing on peace from time to time.

   I guess the short story would be: my childhood was filled with fear and darkness. Something bad always happened, always at random times. I trained myself to be alert and always expect it to happen. There was no safety net. Now, I live a new life with the old training in my emotional scale, to learn to release and have joy has taken time.

    Recently during intimate time with my HOH I realized I have trouble relaxing and just enjoying, not micromanaging or worrying about the outcome on my part. There is a wall there. The next day, I tried during my prayer time to just surrender to God and wait to see what comes up. Do you know the trouble I had surrendering?

  I did an experiment leaning against a tree. I was practicing relaxing against the tree and just surrendering to the moment. If I had to guess, 40 percent of me was giving and 60 percent of me was still tense and had an agenda.

 During our last maintenance session, my HOH encouraged me to release and let go of pent up emotions. He was so encouraging. This has given me something to meditate on. I trust Father God, I trust my Hubby...do I not trust myself? Is that the barrier?

  Or am I trying to micromanage my curiosity for surrendering to love, too? Ha!

   I did notice the blog posted last month of a woman's journey of bootcamp was taken down. I understand why, but I wish she would have posted how her heart feels now, how she has been changed(or not) and more notes on this. I think many of us domestic discipline folks (and even just people in general) are trying to figure out the hidden walls in ourselves.

  A journey to live in the present. I will keep posting about these on going meditations. It gives food for thought on how past experiences do matter in the current environment, even when we are not focused on them. Maybe not every experience adds to something, maybe it is just the most emotional filled that shape our ability to love now.

 I give love quite freely, but I have trouble relaxing and taking in love. Hmm. Now I have thought myself into a corner. Where is a wise monk when I need him?:)