Can I welcome myself back to my own blog? Hee.
I am posting via cell phone as I usually post on my laptop, but have not turned the thing on in a long time.
Big news has been a flutter in our home, lots of change going on. I have been trying to discard anything that makes me unhappy from my possessions. I realize, for whatever reason, I have been the dumping ground or giving ground for many folks discarded items. Not to mention enough stuff from my past on Mother, who suffered from hoarding. I realize carrying too many things leads me to feeling stressed and feeling the guilt of the stories of some items. I am thankful for what I have, but trying to lighten the load.
My husband and I have been great. Still practicing domestic discipline. My biggest challenges are those slight moody moments and getting behind in the house. The moods usually come from (stress duh) but also bottled up feelings about the past.
In going thru old journals of mine, I have realized how....I have never allowed myself to be as happy as I could be. When Mom was alive, I carried the emotional weight. When she died, I carried the guilt for her for some time. Spiritually, I think she is no longer bound to the rules of this world, our society. She died with unfinished business to the world, but it is finished. This thought has freed me so much differently then my family, who holds this idea that she is still frozen in the last years of her life. All the usual well meaning death cliches that somehow comfort and bruise at the same time.
After beginning domestic discipline with my husband, I have found myself much more solid in his arms. It reminds me to stay present in the now of our relationship. I think we have much more active respect for each other, as well as a tearing down of the emotional walls.
I would be the chatty one in the relationship, but even the chatty ones can have the biggest walls inside. Think about it. Do we talk for comfort? For sheer need to control the direction of our lives?
I ripped up the journals and threw them away. It's not stuff I imagine my kids wanting to know someday. Being that I have handled my Mom's things, I am more sensitive now to eventually over burden them with stuff. Anyone who has been on this path knows how the tiniest thing becomes a emotional debate to part with, every piece of costume jewelry and note.
The last couple nights my dreams have worked out the feelings I have about my extended family. In each one, there is a reference to them gossiping about me. Do you ever have a dream that wakes up in a mood? I have had to apologize to my hubby for waking up in moods after those dreams. He reminds me that if I think I am overpowered for the day in the morning, I will feel that way all day.
As synchronicity has it, Lady Gaga 's Marry the Night is playing in the background. If you have never watched her entire video for it, it describes self empowerment perfectly. All about dusting off your boots and trying again...as we all do each day.:)
I have craved a spanking after such a time of self reflection, somehow...it helps me process it all.
